Friday, May 11, 2012

Giving In

As most of you know, Tessa's arrival in our lives was a total surprise. I knew--absolutely KNEW-- that I was pregnant when it happened but had to go through 2 negative pregnancy tests until one finally came up positive on the third try. We certainly weren't TRYING to get pregnant. To be honest, with our busy schedules, I'm not even sure how it happened in the first place ;) But lo and behold, there they were...........two pink lines.

I hate to admit it but at the same time my heart was racing with excitement, it was also panicking with every heart beat. I immediately started thinking about how this baby was going to change our lives, which had just settled into a normal routine after having Tommy.

When I told Nick I was pregnant, we both laughed. For a loooooong time. It was the only way we could process the fact that in 9 months, our world was going to be rocked--AGAIN. I went through ups and downs the next few weeks. I mean, a baby is a baby and I was SUPER excited to know I was carrying a life inside me, but it was just so unexpected. I trusted God was going to take care of everything (at least I told myself I trusted that) but was scared to death at the same time. We had planned that by the time we got pregnant with our second one, Tommy would be out of diapers, talking and halfway through high school (okay, not THAT old, but not 18 months!). And yet, here he was, just learning to walk and use a spoon on his own. He had just started sleeping through the night. Just started entertaining himself. Just started understanding what we were telling him to do.

But the one day I remember more than any other after finding out we were pregnant was a day that I was driving to work about a month later. I'd been through negative pregnancy tests, being told I was probably carrying a blighted ovum (google it), finding out I really was pregnant, going to the ER thinking I was having a miscarriage but really having a bad kidney infection to finally settling into the reality that a baby was coming in July. I felt so jumbled. I hadn't let myself really believe it was happening until that moment. I had tried not to worry yet, tried not to get excited yet, tried not to tell anyone yet. And on that drive in, it just hit me. All the emotions at once. I started panicking thinking about money, sleep, room in our house, how Tommy would be, Nick working 3rd shift while I took care of a newborn--you name it, I thought about it.

In the midst of my panick attack, God stepped up in a big way. This song by Sanctus Real came on the radio. I wasn't really paying attention until the chorus came on and it literally took my breath away and sent me into sobs as soon as I heard it.

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear at that EXACT moment. I literally felt like there was chaos going on inside of me and He was reassuring me that I just need to give in to Him. It's like he slapped me in the face and said, "Really?! You're really worrying when I've trusted you with such a big blessing? Suck it up and enjoy!" He was probably saying it nicer than that, but you get the drift :) Tessa IS something Heavenly and I needed to give in to the fact that I didn't have control and God was doing something awesome in my life. I didn't know it was a girl at that time, but I knew from that moment on I could stop worrying about how our lives were going to be interrupted and start thanking God for sending us this little blessing.

Since then, I've been reminded time and again how awesome it is to be pregnant. Sure, it comes with it's aches and pains (literally), but hearing the heartbeat, finding out it was a girl, feeling her kick and roll inside me.......it's chaotic, but it's perfect and holy and amazing. What a way to be reminded of God's handiwork on a daily basis.

So Tessa, even though you were a surprise, you are so, SO very wanted. There's not a moment of my pregnancy that I would trade for anything. I can't wait to see your face and feel your skin and smell your smell. I can't wait to hold you, seeing the finished product of 9 months of hard work. Hurry up and get here, sweet girl. We love you!

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