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Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Momma said there'd be days like this

I wish I could say it was all rainbows and sunshine after we met him. That I could tell you as soon as my eyes locked onto those dark brown peepers peering out at me under a mop of curly hair that I felt an instant connection and knew this little boy belonged in my life. That I could say I've had zero doubts since he stepped through our door.

But that would be so far from the truth.

His team dropped him off without a blue book. For anyone that does foster care, you know the importance of the blue book. It contains every piece of information about your foster child that you could need.

And we had nothing. We didn't know his history, his health status, why we were his third or fourth home.....nothing. So we had to wing it.

Our first night wasn't too bad. To be honest, it's all a blur and I don't remember very many details other than him being really wound up and ready to see what our house was all about. I remember being pleasantly surprised at how happy he was. He finally slowed down and stopped moving around 3am when we turned on some Puppy Dog Pals. It distracted him for a bit, but he got really upset any time we turned the TV and lights off. I finally turned on the Elevation Worship playlist and held him until he fell asleep. He was kind of restless in his sleep and we would occasionally hear him whimper or toss around, but he slept through the night.

The next morning.....that's what will be ingrained in my memory FOREVER. I had taken the morning off work and Nick had taken the afternoon off. So we got the kids off to school together and then it was just me and him. Alone. He was weary of me and I was just as weary of him. We were both exhausted, which never helps anything. About an hour into our time together, he had already thrown about 5 tantrums (involving him throwing himself backward onto our hardwood floors and hitting his head) and I was getting ready to throw my own tantrum. I was doing my best to be upbeat and happy for him, knowing that whatever I was feeling, he was feeling times ten.

I mustered enough energy to put him in his highchair and feed him a snack.

And then I cried. And I cried and cried and cried. I have never felt so attacked by the enemy as I did in that moment. I laid my head on the table and sobbed until I had nothing left in me.

"What are we doing?"

"Why did I say yes to this?"

"What did I just do to our family?"

"Did I really hear God right?"

"We'll never be able to take care of this kid the way he needs us to."

"How are my kids going to handle this?"

All of these thoughts swirled around in my head while he stared at me and munched on goldfish and apple juice. I knew they were lies and that there was NO denying this is what God wanted from us, but the truth was being drowned out by what Satan was shouting at me.

My mom and sister came over with my niece and nephew to see me and meet our new little guy and because it was my mom's birthday. I tried so hard to hold it together when they walked through the door. But one question from my mom ("How's it going?") and I was done. I cried again while my mom told me it would be okay. That I was just tired and tomorrow would be a new day.

Deep breaths.

I finished crying and he finished his snack. I got him down from his high chair so he could play with my niece and nephew. My mom, sister and I all went to sit down on the couch to talk while they played and I was so thankful to have something to distract me from my thoughts.

He was having a really hard time sharing anything and continued to throw tantrums whenever he was told no or to share. He grabbed something out of my nephew's hand and I braced myself to get up and go through another round of gentle correction and explaining that he can't do that to other kids. But before I could get up, my nephew walked over to where I was sitting and got on my lap and let me hug him.

He never lets me hug him. He always laughs and runs away and blows me kisses from afar.

But that morning.....that morning, he sat completely still with his sticky little arms around my neck and comforted me in a way that nobody else could.

I am confident that God used him in that moment to speak truth to me and to drown out the lies of the enemy. That one little hug gave me energy to handle another tantrum, to know that this would be hard, but we CAN do it, to CHEER UP! because we are walking in God's will.

After a few minutes, he looked into my eyes, patted my cheeks and hopped down to go play.

And I knew that everything was going to be okay.

Momma said there'd be days like this....but God said to take heart, so that's what I'm trying to do.

It's taken me some time (as it does in EVERY situation involving change in my life) to warm up to him....but I'm there now. I'm all in. I love him and for as long as I have him and mostly likely even when we don't anymore, I consider him my son.

In the almost three weeks he's been with us, we've had some really high highs and some really low lows. We've had days where he cried for hours on end about EVERYTHING. We've had days where he's laughed and fallen asleep smiling. We've had moments full of simultaneous joy and pain....like when he called me mama and Nick dad. Glad that he felt comfortable enough to do that, heartbroken that he's calling a perfect stranger mom and dad because he doesn't fully comprehend what those roles should mean in his life.

He is SUPER attached to Nick and Nick LOVES it (most of the time)! They're best buds. And it works out for me, because I actually get to go to the bathroom alone still--ha!

The kids are obsessed with him. I laugh at myself now when I think about how upset I was that first day wondering what I had just done to their lives. Tessa can't wait to get home to see him and Tommy LOVES making him laugh.

He makes us laugh every day with his wrinkled nose and ornery grin. We cheer each time he says a new word and clap when he does something new. He loves to give us high fives and "squeezes." He giggles every time he toots on someone and has the world's best "I don't care what you say" look when he's mad. The tantrums have all but stopped. He still doesn't like to be told no, but I don't know a toddler that does!

Each day has brought something new (good OR bad) and God has shown up for us time and again and given us what we need to meet each challenge head on.

We are surrounded by a support group of family and friends that have encouraged us, prayed for us, given us clothes and car seats and shoes and highchairs and strollers, baby-sat our kids while we go to appointments and meetings.....we know that anything we need, they are there for us.

And as it goes in the world of foster care, we have no idea what the future holds. We don't know how long we'll have him, what reintegration with his biological family will look like, how it will all play out. But we hope and pray that with each day we have him, we are showing him just a glimpse of God's love for him.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

To Tommy on your 8th birthday

Tommy-

You are EIGHT this year. All of your birthdays have hit me hard, but eight just seems so.....grown up. Like, I'm truly questioning how it's possible that it's been eight years since you were born.

I know if I was saying that to you out loud, you would sigh and say something sarcastic to me. You would reassure me that no matter how old you are, you'll still hug me and sit in my lap and let me call you my baby (even though you're already doing that less and less).

At eight years old, you are around 49 inches and 62 pounds. You're tall and skinny! I love your gangly knees and arms. You've got killer abs and dad always says how jealous he is.

Your bright blond hair has gotten so much darker. It actually makes me really sad. I LOVE your blond hair and I'm hoping when it's summer again and you're outside all the time that it'll lighten up.

You are the klutziest child I've ever known. Ever. You trip over things that aren't there and you are constantly stubbing toes, falling down, running into walls....I would almost call it a talent--ha!

You speak fluent sarcasm. Sometimes your jokes are legitimately funnier than mine and dad's! We have to catch ourselves sometimes because even though what you're saying might be really hilarious, it doesn't always sound appropriate coming from an eight year old. You tend to be a little on the mouthy side and we've had several stand offs over your mouth.

But that being said, you can also be the SWEETEST boy. When you do hug me, they're great big bear hugs. I can rest my chin on your head now when we hug, which is totally weird because in my mind, you're still a tiny toddler that can barely reach my knees. You heat up my corn bag for me almost every night. You write me sweet notes that I randomly find on my pillow or in my purse. And every now and then (not often), you do something sweet for your sister.

You have officially "come out of your shell." We worried when you first started school that you wouldn't make any friends because you were PAINFULLY shy. You wouldn't know it now. You like making people laugh and you have so many friends that we love having around! You're growing up with a great group of kids and we are so grateful for the fact that you enjoy being around other kids so much now.

You do really well in school and seem to enjoy math. You're constantly turning situations around us into math problems and letting me know what the answer is. You like to read a lot, but only if it's your idea and I'm not making you do it. When I try to make you read, then you have no interest (of course).

But your favorite subject at school is lunch.

You LIVE to eat. We can eat a hearty fulfilling meal and no more than 30 minutes later, you let me know you're starving and want to know what kind of snack you can have. It drove me crazy for so long but now I've come to expect it and try to have your favorite snacks on hand at all times so you don't die (your words, not mine).

You have REALLY gotten into sports this year! We've had so much fun watching you play football and basketball. You really want to start soccer in the spring, so that's the plan and I have a feeling that's going to be your favorite. You just enjoy them so much more than you used to so it's fun for us to watch when you're having a good time.

Tommy, the past eight years with you have truly been a joy. We argue sometimes (mostly because we're personality twins), but I'm always so happy to see you after school and spend time with you in the evenings. I love watching your shows with you (except Star Wars because it bores me to tears) and I love when you show me new things you've learned. We have so much fun together and I can't wait to see what this year holds for us!

Happy eighth birthday, son!

Friday, January 18, 2019

Our first placement

We got news that we were officially licensed to do foster care on January 2nd, 2019. About 30 seconds after our social worker notified us that our license had come through, she sent another text asking if we wanted a 4 year old girl.

And just like that, we had entered the world of foster parenting.

I texted Nick to see what he thought, but knew in my heart that we were going to hold out for a younger kiddo. We licensed for up to age 18, but had decided to do 3 and younger. When we had originally filled out our paperwork in our MAPP class a few years ago, they asked us what we pictured when we thought about our first foster child. I specifically remember talking to Nick about it and letting him know that when I closed my eyes, I saw a 2 year old brown boy joining our family.

He seemed skeptical and said, "Really??" I had shared multiple times how much I wanted a newborn or tiny baby, so I think it threw him off when I told him what I saw in my mind. It was weird because I didn't WANT a 2 year old boy. I WANTED a sweet little 8 lb baby girl that I could snuggle and comfort and dress up. But when they asked that question on our paperwork and I stopped and meditated on what I pictured for our first foster child......that's what God brought to mind. So on our paperwork, that's what I wrote down.

A 2 year old brown boy.

Nick and I decided together not to take the 4 year old girl. My heart broke for her and although I knew she wasn't right for our family, I prayed they would find the perfect family for her. This foster parenting thing was already harder than I thought.

How do you just say no? How do you tell someone, "Sorry--I'm not interested in that kid. I'll hold out for something ‘better.’ "

My only thought and comfort was that God has somebody picked out for each kid and even though it might make me feel guilty, we have to do what we felt called to do. It's not saying 'no' to one kid....it's saying 'yes' to another.

A few hours later, I was working and heard the infamous 'ping' on my phone. It was my social worker.

She asked if wanted a 1 year old.

My heart started pounding.....my hands got sweaty.....my mind was racing.

"Can I call you in 5 minutes?" I asked.

I was getting ready to leave work for the day and after I got that text, I wanted nothing more than to shoot out the door and get on the phone with my worker. I called her as soon as I got in the car to get more information.

"Boy or girl?" I asked.

"Boy."

"And he's one?" I said.

"He's almost two."

She told me his name and that he'd been in two or three other placements since the end of November. It took all I had not to start sobbing right then. A tiny human had been moved THREE times in the matter of one month. The tragedy of that wasn't lost on me.

"Let me call my husband and I'll let you know right away."

I called Nick and while we were both nervous and hesitant, we decided to say yes. Might as well jump in head first, right?

I called my worker back and let her know we were in. We got the arrangements figured out and eventually I heard from his social worker. She let us know she would be at our house with him around 11:30pm.

We got our kids to bed (they were DEVASTATED to miss his arrival). We laid down on the couch to try to catch a quick nap knowing that this kiddo was probably going to be wide awake and either ready to explore his surroundings or scared to death to be in another new home.

My phone rang at 11:15pm and his worker let me know they were pulling in the driveway.

We opened the door and she was standing there holding a lumpy bundle in a blue fuzzy blanket. She turned sideways so he could see us and our eyes locked onto the curly haired little 2 year old brown boy God had brought to our doorstep.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Our Journey to Foster Care--Part 2

After taking the classes for licensing for foster care and deciding I wasn't ready yet, we went about our business. We were raising our two cuties, working full time jobs and living the dream!

Eventually "the dream" turned into "the daily grind." Nick got promoted to General Manager at his job and his responsibilities increased a lot. He was working super long hours and while the pay was great, it was becoming a burden on our family. He left before any of us woke up (around 4:30am) and usually didn't get home until around 6pm. The kids were missing their dad and I was missing my husband. He was missing out on coaching the kids' teams and going to practices. He wasn't able to help me take them to doctor appointments or stay home with them if they were sick.

I was able to adjust my hours at work to be able to drop the kids off at school and pick them up four days a week, so that was a huge blessing. I felt better about them being with at least one parent most of the time rather than at daycare or latchkey (no judgement against using those, I just wanted my babies with ME if at all possible).

We were all gathering at home at the end of the day too exhausted and busy to really do anything other than eat dinner, take quick showers and drop into bed. Don't get me wrong--we loved our life, but we were just getting by day to day. Shuffling from one activity to the next.

In August, Nick was done. He LOVED the company he worked for, but the hours and the stress were too much. He knew it was time for a change and that's when we started REALLY praying about his job situation. We had friends praying, our church praying, our families praying....he started looking for jobs that wouldn't require a HUGE pay cut, but that had better hours and less stress! He needed something that would allow him more time with his family and to do the things he loved in life.

At the same time, God was bringing foster care to my heart and mind again. I was starting to feel the "baby itch." I felt better equipped to handle another kid. Not that our lives were any less hectic, but we were in more of a routine and my kids were able to shower themselves, brush their own teeth, get themselves dressed....I had more time in the day because they were able to do so much more on their own. After a lot of prayer on my own about this, I decided to tell Nick that I thought I was ready to look into it again. I wasn't sure what all we'd have to do or if the class we had taken 3 years before would still be valid for our licensing. One night after dinner, I said, "Babe, I'm ready. I'm ready to get into foster care and see what it would take to finish the licensing process." He stared at me for a second and then said, "K."

And I'm all, "Uhhhhh, did you HEAR me? I SAID....I'm FINALLY READY!"

He responded with a little more enthusiasm the second time and said something along the lines of, "That's great, babe!" I told him I'd check in with our MAPP class teacher to see what all we needed to do to complete licensing. We went to bed that night and I felt at peace with our decision to move forward.

The next day I was sitting at work and I heard a little "ping" come from my phone. I looked down at the notification and thought my eyes were going to bug out of my head. I immediately called Nick and said, "You're not going to believe this."

The lady that had taught our MAPP class had messaged me on Facebook. Her message said something along the lines of....."Hey! Did you guys ever finish licensing for foster care? I just started working for Restoration Family Services and thought of you. I have all of your paperwork from the MAPP class, so it wouldn't take much to finish up. Just let me know if you're interested in moving forward."

I. was. BLOWN AWAY. At that moment, I knew that I knew that I knew (as Pastor John always likes to say) that God was confirming that we needed to step out in faith and complete our licensing. Like, there was ZERO doubt in my mind after that happened. I was a little worried about how it was going to all work out since Nick was always busy with work and I was busy with the kids. But I knew God would make a way. I messaged our teacher back letting her know we would love to move forward. Again, we went to bed that night and I felt at peace with our decision.

The next day, NICK GOT A NEW JOB!! I kid you not, THE VERY DAY AFTER WE COMMITTED to moving forward with foster care, he got a job offer at the place he had really hoped to land. The pay cut was VERY minimal, it was a 7 minute drive from our house rather than 40 minutes and the hours were "around 7:30am" to "around 4:30pm." He got to come home for an hour for his lunch break and was told he could really set his own hours to an extent as long as all of his work got done.

Well, okay.

In a matter of 24 hours, our lives changed drastically. My husband turned in his notice, started his new job and we started the process of paperwork and house inspections. It took several months for us to finish everything, but FINALLY on January 2nd, 2019, we were officially licensed. And about 4 hours later, we got news of our first placement.

And it's been a whirlwind ever since....

Monday, January 14, 2019

Our Journey to Foster Care

Our journey to foster care.....a cheesy title, but there's truly no other way to describe the process other than as a journey. I've had several people ask how we decided to do foster care and.....well....there's not really a simple answer so I thought I'd record it here.

About 4 years ago, we were sitting in church. I can't remember what the sermon was about. I was tired. We had two young kids that I was trying to keep entertained for an hour and a half because they refused to go to the nursery. Honestly, I just remember being SO over it. I wanted to go home and sleep and relax and not chase children everywhere. My eyelids were getting heavy (sorry Pastor) and juuuuuust as I was starting to doze off, my husband slides a piece of paper over to me that he had written a note on.

I thought, "Oh, that's so cute! He's going to tell me he loves me or that I deserve a nice long nap when we get home."

And then I read the note.

It said, "We should do foster care."

Uhhhhhhh...........no.

No thank you.

There was literally nothing I could think of that I would rather do LESS than raise another child who needs more attention than my own two. But I didn't want to let Nick know that. I looked up and met his eyes.....smiled.....and shrugged my shoulders. I whispered, "Let's talk about that later" while frantically trying to think of a reason to say no that wouldn't make me sound like a horrible, awful person.

That's all I thought about after he gave me that note. Through the whole church service, my mind bounced back and forth between 'that could be really awesome' and 'that sounds like hell.'

After church, we got in the car and I braced myself for the inevitable.

"So.....what do you think about foster care?" he asked me.

"Well......it sounds like a really nice thing.....for another family to do."

And I'll spare you all of the conversation we had in between, but eventually I agreed to take the required classes to get licensed. Nick was completely understanding of my hesitation and didn't pressure me at all, but I'll admit that I initially said yes out of guilt. My husband felt a true calling to it and I did not. But my thought process was that there's no way being a foster parent was a BAD thing so even though I didn't necessarily feel like it was the right thing for my life at the time, I went along with it.

We took the 9 week MAPP-TIPS class. If I remember correctly, it was a 3 hour class that we took once a week. Those were some really long nights. My kids were still three and four and I hated leaving them with someone else for an entire evening every week. We both went there straight from work and we all went straight to bed once we got home.

The classes were amazing. We learned SO much. It was heartbreaking to see that the need is so great and to watch the videos and learn about how to handle these kids who have been through so much. But at the same time I felt compassion and sadness, I felt SO overwhelmed. With each foster kid comes finding a baby-sitter, establishing care with a doctor, getting them seen for a check up ASAP, paperwork that's never ending, documenting EVERYTHING, emailing social workers and on top of all of that, being the best parent you can to a child who is lost and broken. The list is never ending.

After our final class, I remember driving home in the dark. My heart was aching...for all the kids in the system, for my own two kids because I missed them and they missed me, because I was exhausted and I just KNEW I wasn't ready to do foster care. I didn't know how to tell Nick and I felt so much guilt (self-induced). I felt like a bad person for not wanting to do this. I felt like I was letting Nick down or keeping him from God's call on his life. I was speaking a lot of untruths to myself. I turned on K-LOVE (our local Christian radio station) hoping to get SOMETHING to uplift my spirit and the song "It's Not Over Yet" by King and Country came on.

Talk about the Holy Spirit knocking your socks off. It was like literally every word was speaking directly to each negative thought I'd had in that car ride.

And they are inside your head
You got a voice that says
You won't get past this one
You won't win your freedom
It's like a constant war
And you want to settle that score
But you're bruised and beaten
And you feel defeated
This goes out to the heaviest heart
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over yet

And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over yet
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark

Into the light
It's not over
Hope is rising
Never give in
Never give up
It's not over yet
Oh, game set match
It's time to put it in your past, oh
Feel the winter leavin'
It's redemption season

Long live the young at heart (here we are)
Cheers to a brand new start (here we are)
We're revived and breathing
To live a life of freedom
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over yet
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over yet
And life is a race we run
So run till the race is won
Don't you ever give up (here we are)
Oh no never give up (here we are)
I remember just sobbing the rest of the way home and feeling like God was assuring me that it's okay. It's not over. Just because I'm not doing something RIGHT NOW doesn't mean it won't ever happen. That Nick wouldn't resent me. That he would provide other people to step up for these kids. That my kids were doing okay. That we were heading into a redemption season. 
I don't remember when or how I told Nick that I for sure wasn't ready. The years have blurred my memory a bit, but that song and that car ride are something I will never forget and that I clung to for the next few years.