Thursday, March 31, 2011

I saw Satan..........

  • I saw Satan last weekend. I saw him and I stared him down in his digusting face. He reared his ugly head and attacked my mind until it felt like the rug had been swept out from underneath my feet. I have always heard that verse in the Bible, John 10:10-"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy".......and man, is that true. Satan's goal in life is to kick us when we're down; to hurt is beyond what we ever thought possible.

  • My aunt Becky has suffered from cancer for what seems like forever now. And when I use the term 'suffer,' I don't use it lightly. In my opinion, not a lot of people in the world TRULY suffer. People throw that word around without really thinking about the meaning. If we all suffered as much as we thought we did, then we would be much worse off than we truly are. Anyhow, I went to see my aunt at the hospital last Saturday. She had been admitted because her lungs were filling up with fluid. They drained off at least 2 liters and while it helped with her breathing a little bit, things just got progressively worse. I was mentally prepared for what I was going to see because my cousins had told us she was in a lot of pain. So when I got to the hospital with Tommy, Nick and my other cousin Whitney, I tried to turn my emotional switch off and focus on the fact that she's still alive. This is hard for me because I cry at the drop of a hat (especially ever since I've been pregnant--I'm sure some of you know how that goes), but nobody laying in a hospital bed for the 5th day in a row wants to see their family come in blubbering when I'm sure they're thinking, "What the hell are YOU crying about?!? You're not the one with cancer, losing their hair, depending on everybody to do everything, getting poked and prodded every 30 minutes, only being able to breathe with the assistance of oxygen, you selfish moron." That's what I would be thinking anyways :) Note to readers--if I ever get cancer, don't cry in my hospital room!

  • When we finally got to her room, I wasn't shocked by what I saw. I had visited her a little earlier in the week and she looked about the same. Of course, it was nothing compared to what she usually looks like, but it hadn't changed much in the last few days. She had her feet sticking out of the end of the sheets and I remember commenting on her perfectly manicured bright pink nail polish :) That's my aunt Becky! She's the one always trying to pull things together in the middle of a catastrophe. We settled in for a few hours of visiting. It was just Becky, her two daughters and the three of us. We talked for awhile and she drifted in and out, throwing in her two cents every now and then. We somehow got on the subject of coupons and what was the best way to organize them. My cousin Darci was making fun of my cousin Cara because when they went Christmas shopping, Cara showed up with envelopes for each store they were going to with coupons inside. Written on the envelopes were the names of each item she was going to buy, how much it cost and if she had a coupon for it. I, personally, thought this was genius. Darci, however, thought it was insane (keep in mind, this is the cousin who thinks Cara is in competition with the Duggars because she already has 3 kids!). We thought Becky was sleeping during this conversation, but when the girls' discussion got a little louder, she perked up with a bit of coupon advice. She said, "Now girls, everyone has to do it their way and do whatever works best for them." Not a huge, eloquent speech and she fell back asleep immediately after saying it, but man did I feel like I had been sucker punched in the gut. When she said that, I started thinking about Becky and who she REALLY is. I don't know as much about her as I wish I did, but I do know some things that I will never forget. She really does do it her own way. Becky had Becky's way of walking, talking, organizing, motivating, decorating, loving, sharing, planning, cooking.........EVERYTHING about her was uniquely Becky! I always think of her sitting in a chair at the head of their table and twirling a piece of her hair around her finger while she's giving one of her speeches about SOMETHING she feels passionate about. She LOVED to get on her soap box, and I must say that I usually thoroughly enjoyed lending her a hand to step up on it. She could be quite entertaining when she was talking about something she loved, whether I agreed with it or not!

  • When she said that and all those thoughts started flying, my emotional switch flipped back on. We left shortly after and I had driven seperately from everyone, so I had time to think on my drive back home. I have to admit that I got mad. I mean, REALLY mad. That verse about Satan coming to kill, steal and destroy just kept going through my mind, repeating over and over like a bad record. He comes to steal--steal her hair, her smile, her energy. He comes to kill--kill her joy, her happiness, her earthly body. He comes to destroy--destroy each member of her family, her health, her very life. WHY does God let that happen?!? I saw a women who had been a vibrant part of my life for all 26 of my years, a daughter for 55 years, a mother and a wife for over 30 years, an aunt for 29 years, a friend to many for 20+ years, a woman who was strong and healthy--slowly wasting away in one of the most painful ways possible. Why does God let suffering happen? WHY???? My drive home was a long one and it made me sad and scared and tired. I kept thinking about my uncle and cousins. What do you do with your life when your wife just can't.........just can't BE anymore? How do you exist when your mother isn't around to give you advice or soothe your nerves or hold your hand? It just doesn't seem fair.

  • I thought on this a lot and just recently went to look up the John 10:10 scripture since I kept thinking about it. I know now that God was calling me to do that because what I found was a part of the verse that I DIDN'T remember--a part that I'm sure Satan wanted me to forget because it tells of God's love and gives us a reason to hope. It's so perfect now that I have hindsight.

  • This is the verse in full: John 10:10--"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destory; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Oh how that second part of the verse soothed my aching heart. Becky passed away on Tuesday, March 29th, 2011 but God has come that she may have life and have it to the full. And what a life she's going to have in Heaven! God promises in Heaven that there is NO PAIN and that is something people have been praying for Becky for a long time. We may be hurting on earth and for awhile, it's going to be next to impossible for her parents, husband, daughters, grandkids and friends to function but her life from March 30th on is going to be like nothing we will ever know until we get to Heaven ourselves. She'll be dancing PAIN FREE, singing God's praise for eternity, walking the streets of gold in a world we can only dream about.

  • Becky, I love you and miss you and it hasn't really sunk into my head that you're not going to be at the next Easter party or your next grandson's birth or Kylie's first day of kindergarten. But I can rest assured knowing that you're watching out for all of us in Heaven and that some day.............even if it feels like an eternity away..........we will see you again.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dear God........

If this is a dream.........

please don't wake me up.
Let me keep living this life........ ......this little piece of Heaven on Earth.

My little Tiny Tom :)

I was looking through my camera last night and realized I have a LOT of pictures to share of Tommy in his first month, so this is basically just a camera unloading post with nothing substantial to say :) Except that I personally think I have the absolute cutest, most loveable baby EVER (it's okay if you don't agree, but humor me because I'm the mom and I can say that!:) The two best things in my life!
Worn out from playing with dad
Dressed in the very first piece of clothing I bought him! I remember buying it and wondering what he was going to look like in it. Now I know :) Dressed up for a special occassion....and not enjoying it much! Just like daddy!
I LOVE this picture. Granted, it's a little funny looking, but when he was tiny, his mouth was ALWAYS open like this.
My sweet boy :) He looks so tiny in this picture and so perfect and untouched by anything bad or the evil of this world yet
No words........just love
Tanning with dad--he had jaundice, so Nick was faithful to put him in the sun as much as possible in the middle of January.
My own piece of Heaven
Such BIG feet!!
His face cracks me up in this picture. I love this boy!

Friday, March 18, 2011

2 months old--such a big boy!!

I am a few days early on Tommy's 2 month pold post but wanted to get it done while I'm thinking of it and I have time.
**I forgot to put in his 1 month post one of the most important things that happened to him!
He got baptized!! On 2/20/2011, my sweet baby boy got baptized at our church. It was SO awesome. I have always put a lot of stock in my faith and in church, but having this little baby to take care of and being responsible for his spiritual life as well as mine has totally put a new perspective on God. I am in charge of making sure this baby grows up knowing about God and knowing that Jesus died for our sins. It's MY job to make sure he understands that God will take him as he is and will always love him. God gave me an angel to raise and let me tell you, it's a priviledge that comes with a LOT of pressure! I only hope that I do a good enough job that when he's old enough to understand baptism, he decides to do it again for himself. Okay, now onto the 2 month stats :)
Tommy, at 2 months old, you are continuing to amaze your parents!!
*You weigh 13 lbs and 8 oz and are 22 1/2 inches long--such a big boy!!

*You are currently in size 2 diapers. They're still a little big, but size ones cut into your tummy and legs, so we had to go up one.

*You drink 3-4 oz every 3-4 hours during the day and at about 8:30pm you get a 4-5 oz bottle.

*You are sleeping so good!! You go to sleep most nights around 9:15pm and sleep until 2:30am. You wake up and eat about 4 oz, then go back to sleep until around 6:15am. I'm glad to have somewhat of a schedule. You've even had a few nights where you slept for 7 hours!! Those nights were a blessing and I am hoping you do that more often :)

*You are wearing 0-3 month clothes and 3 month clothes. Some of the 3 month outfits are a little too big, but we make it work! You get really annoyed when we dress you and make it VERY hard to get your squirmy arms in the arm holes.

*Mom had to buy you 3-6 month sized socks. Your feet are BIG!! Your 0-3 month socks were too short and cut off your circulation around your ankles.

*You like baths better. We figured out that if we just keep water over you by constantly pouring cups of water on your tummy, you really relax and enjoy yourself.
*You're already tyring to sit up. When we are holding you, you do little half sit ups before you grunt and then seem to give up and lay back down. It's really quite amusing!

*You seem to have found your voice!! You are SO active in the mornings (unlike your mommy) and you are constantly cooing and making noise when mom talks to you. Dad heard you for the first time last night (3/18/11) and he was tickled to death. He tried to video you doing it, but you stopped every time you saw his phone :)

*You've started doing this new thing where you give out one big cry and then a bunch of little cries and grunts until it just seems to wear you out and you stop. It sounds like you're fake crying because there is an OBVIOUS difference in your cry when you are REALLY upset and this new cry you're doing

*You are so well behaved. Other then the quiet little cry I just mentioned above, you only get upset when you need a new diaper or need fed. Otherwise, you are very content.

*You LOVE your bouncy chair!! You could sit in that thing for hours without making a peep. You even sleep in it and mom's not sure what's going to happen when you outgrow it (and that time is QUICKLY approaching!). We bought you a swing a month ago but you've hated it up until recently. You're liking it a little better, so hopefully that will replace your bouncy chair when you can't fit in it anymore

*You are getting used to tummy time. You still get a little aggitated after a few minutes, but aren't crying about it anymore.

*You got your first tiny little taste of ice cream (don't worry if you're reading this. It was literally like ONE drop of ice cream that I put on his lips :). We went to Dairy Queen after your shots (read the story below) and mom felt horrible for you, so I let you taste something a little sweet. I'm going to have to make sure I don't make giving you sweets when you're upset a habbit!!

**You had your 2 month check up on 3/15/11, which will forever be one of the saddest days in my mind. You had to get your first set of immunizations :( It was horrible.
The picture above was Tommy BEFORE his shots. It was even worse than I thought it would be because he was in SUCH a good mood!! He was smiling and kicking and moving around a lot. He was sleepy because he took children's ibuprofen about an hour before his appt so we could hopefully keep the pain level down and prevent a fever. The doctor came in and checked him out and then it was time for the HORRIBLE immunizations. I know, I know they're for his own good, but it devastates me that my baby was in pain and he doesn't understand why. In my head, I imagine him thinking, "Why is my mommy letting this happen to me??" I know he isn't thinking that, but I can't help but feel sad for him. How can you not feel sad when you look at his little face??? :(

The picture above was, of course, Tommy AFTER his shots. Poor baby. He only cried for about 30 seconds, but I cried for at least 5 minutes. Oh, the things you never think you'll do until you become a mom.
The last 2 months of life have been hard, fun, scary, rewarding and a HUGE blessing! I love having little tiny clothes scattered all over the floor and pacifiers (which you still won't take) all over our tables. I don't mind the booger sucker being by the TV remote or a wet diaper sitting on the couch. In my opinion, formula stains on our comforter and the crusty burp rags on our night stands just speak of the late night rendevous I get to have with my baby ;) Tommy, I will kiss your boo-boos when you're little, hold your hand on your first day of school, cheer for you at all your basketball games, embarass you when you're a teenager and love you for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not. I thank God for you every day, sweet boy!

Remembering the beginning

With having Tommy in our lives now, I can't help but go back and remember the beginning of our little family. These pictures are LONG over due but I was looking through them the other day and thinking I needed to share them :) So here you go--pictures from our glorious honeymoon. I can't help but be sad to think we will probably not have the time or money to go on another trip like this until our 20th wedding anniversary! But that's okay.....this one was wonderful enough to last me a life time!

This is just a taste of all the wonderful things we saw and did. It was such a sweet time to have alone with my new husband--a time in life that we will never be able to experience again--just me and him as newlyweds. I am so grateful for all the wonderful things we have in our life now but I am SOOO glad we have those memories together of before things got crazy and hectic and we had a baby!! I can't wait until we get to go back to Puerto Vallarta when we're 50 years old as new people who've experienced so much more in life--raising kids, hard times, hopefully financial freedom :), the good and the bad, EVERYTHING that married life brings! I love you Nick! Thank you for the life you've given me.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The story you've all been waiting for......

I have been meaning to write this down before I forget all the details about everything that happened and how I felt about it all. Although I question if a person can every forget the day they gave birth to their first child. I had been having pregnancy induced hypertension for a few weeks before my due date, so they decided that they were going to induce me on 1/20/11. My OB scheduled me to come into her office on 1/19/11 to get a Foley catheter put in and then send me home for the night. Supposedly, the catheter was supposed to ripen my cervix throughout the night and hopefully speed up the laboring process.

 So Nick and I went to Dr. Lowden's office at about 4:00pm on Wednesday, 1/19/11, and Dr. Lowden had gone home for the day, so Dr. Hague was the one putting my catheter in. While Dr. Hague and the nurse were preparing everything (and I was sitting uncomfortably in the stirrups), they were telling me that the last time the nurse assisted in this procedure, she had squirted water all over the patient. She also informed me that Dr. Lowden had told her I had a "tough cervix" so it might take some work (whatever that means). About 10 seconds after both of those stories came out of her mouth, I felt a lot of water on my back. I thought for a second the nurse had done a repeat squirting, but then Dr. Hague rolled away from me and said, "Hmmmm...........well that was your water breaking." Nick and I just kind of looked at each other in shock. Even though we were planning on having Tommy the next day, we thought we still had one night together to go to dinner, stay up late, sleep in peace, etc. Oh, how God laughs at our plans!

 Dr. Hague told me that what happened to me only happens to 1 in 10 women and personally, I was glad!! I had been wanting to go in that night anyways because the weather was supposed to get really nasty and I didn't want to have to drive in the next morning. Wish granted!! They sent me away to the hospital with the catheter still in and my amniotic fluid draining into a colostomy bag. How attractive. You know when they say pregnant women glow? No, it's just their amniotic fluid bag glinting in the sunlight. I remember getting on the elevator, still not believing I was actually starting the laboring process and holding my colostomy bag under my shirt so people wouldn't think I was a crazy hospital runaway. We got in the car and I called my mom and he called his parents and we were off!

We got to Wesley and they took us to labor and delivery. The room was big and had a couch (if you can call plastic pillows on top of wood a couch :) ) and a recliner. We got settled in and then started thinking of a million things we had left at home. So I called Brooke and my mom and had them stop by the house to pick it all up. Silly me, I thought I'd have the time and the desire to read a book. Yeah.............that didn't work out. We had gotten there around 6pm and by the time they got me hooked up to the fetal monitors, I had to pee again. My nurse was SOOO annoying. Nice, but over-informative and extremely anal about the monitors on my stomach. I want a nurse who smiles, tells me everything that needs done, makes a little kind chit-chat, then leaves me in peace.

Yeah, not this lady.

She told me her birth story about her daughter, all about driving home in the snow, etc. I was thinking, "Does she really think the expression on my face right now says please keep talking??" Those fetal monitors are SO annoying. The bands that hold them on kept rolling up and every time I'd get settled, I'd have to pee. But I was feeling great and was still so excited when my family showed up around 7:15pm. Brooke, mom and Whitney all came bearing gifts (aka junk from my house, including my glorious body pillow which became my birthing buddy!). They were there for about 1 1/2 hours and then Nick's parents got there around 9pm. The nurse had already put in my IV and started fluids and pitocin, but it hadn't kicked in yet. I just remember the fluid making me VERY cold.

We were all talking and enjoying life when BAM!

The contractions started. Damn contractions. Now I'm not normally a cussing lady, but those made me cuss. I didn't know how to tell everyone that I wanted them out of the room immediately, but luckily my mom picked up on it and ushered everyone out to the waiting room. They came on so quick and hurt SO freaking bad. I tried breathing through one like everyone tells you to do and like you see on the movies.  All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. Nick kept asking me if I was okay and all I could do was cry and think, "Hell no, I'm not okay!! My uterus is turning against me and killing me from the inside out!!!" But I know he was just worried and felt like he wasn't able to fix the problem. They let me have contractions for about an hour before they considered me to be in "active labor" and I couldn't get an epidural until I was in active labor. So after an hour of the most horrible pain I've ever experienced, I finally got the most wonderful thing in the world---my epidural. Me and the anesthesiologist became best friends. I loved her. She saved my life and made me whole again (okay, only Jesus can do that, but she is a close second)! Everyone said that actually getting the epidural would hurt but I was pleasantly surprised to find that they were all wrong. Mine did not hurt at all. It felt weird, but not painful. And everything she said was true. She would say, "Okay, you're going to feel a slight zing." And what do you know, I had a feeling that could only be described as a zing. She would tell me I was going to feel hot or like I had electricity in me and she was right every single time!! After my epidural, I think I only had 2 or 3 more contractions that I actually felt and then it was HEAVEN!!! 

They also put in an internal monitor (a monitor that they connected to the top of Tommy's head to monitor his heartbeat) so I got to take off those stupid bands that kept rolling. And I got a catheter so I didn't have to get up to pee anymore!! Oh glory day!! Truly, I can not sing the praises of an epidural enough. Those women who try to have babies the "natural" way are NUTS!! How do they do it?!? Not for this girl, that's for sure. I felt like a whole new person once that epidural kicked in. I was smiling and ready to party!! I tried to get some sleep and so did Nick, but I think we each only got a few hours. With all the nurses coming and going and them making me switch sides constantly, I didn't have much time to rest. Which was okay because I was so excited. I finally got a new nurse around 11 pm and she was AWESOME!! Friendly but not annoying, informative, decisive....I liked her. She was really young and cute and she was pregnant too. Nick kept getting onto her because she kept tossing me around like it was nothing since I wasn't able to move my own body (keep in mind, I was numb from the epidural). He told her if he had seen me doing that when I was pregnant, he would have kicked my a**. He's so good with words :) She kept coming in to check me and have me roll over and then they finally told us that every time I contracted, Tommy's heart rate was dropping. They decided to stop pitocin and see if his heart rate was okay with the contractions. He would do good, so they would restart pitocin and again, his heart rate started dropping. This happened 4 or 5 times and the nurse let us know that if it happened again, we would probably go ahead with a c-section.

Nick didn't really like that and it wasn't my first choice, but I wanted Tommy to be safe. They finally were able to keep me on pitocin and I was having contractions without his heart rate dropping. Nick was starving and hadn't left my side all night, so since everything was going good, he decided to go get some breakfast. He had my mom come in with me and after being gone for about 5 minutes, the nurse came in and said that Tommy's heart rate had dropped again with my last contraction and Dr. Hague was going to do a c-section. The doctor in charge on the floor came in and started telling me all the legal stuff about all the possible complications (including death--I love how they throw that in there :) and my mom was like, "Wait!! Wait, her husband's not here. Start over!!" The doctor just kept talking. It was really awkward. Everyone kept calling Nick and trying to get ahold of him but he wasn't answering his phone, so finally I think Brooke went down to the cafeteria to find him. He came rushing into the room and was like, "What the heck happened? I thought everything was fine." It was kind of cute! He was so worried and in a total state of confusion and shock :) But he didn't have much time for that! About 10 minutes after they told me I was going to have a c-section, the anesthesiologist had already come in and done something to my epidural to make the numbness go all the way up to my armpits, Nick was in disposable scrubs and they were wheeling me down the hallway. 

I found out later that my mom, sister, Whitney and Esther were all waiting in the hallway to see us before we went in but they took me the other way, so they didn't get to say good luck. My mom told me they just kept waiting and waiting! The whole c-section experience was very painful but very surreal. My whole body was numb, so the nurses were just rolling me this way and that way like I was nothing but a bag of potatoes. They made me drink this nasty stuff that is supposed to make it not hurt if you vomit, but made me feel nauseous. This lady kept poking me with a plastic thing to see if I could feel it and to make sure my epidural was still working. I know it was necessary, but man it was annoying!! There were bright lights everywhere and what seemed like a million people in the room. But I just kept looking at Nick and listening for my baby. The nurse and doctor kept saying, "You'll feel a little pressure." Yeah. That's an understatement. It was SO painful and uncomfortable. They are pushing all your insides around and that's exactly what it feels like. Then they said, "Okay, there's going to be a LOT of pressure on your chest, like someone is standing on it and then the baby will be here." And they were right. I felt the pressure and then Dr. Hague said we would have a baby in about 30 seconds. That's when the tears came. I had done okay emotionally until then, but when she said that, I just started crying and waiting to hear him cry. They got him out and I remember being SO frustrated because I couldn't see him. Nick got to look at him and they of course weighed him and cleaned him and I kept trying to ask them to hold him up but NOBODY WOULD LISTEN TO ME!!!



Finally, Nick got to hold him and he brought him over to me so I could kiss him and see his sweet face. I don't think there's ever been anything more beautiful. He was the perfect combination of me and Nick. I just stared at him while they moved me back to my bed and then the big moment came--they put him in my arms! My whole world was in my arms. So many thoughts were going through my head--he's so tiny, so much responsibility, he's so cute!!, how am I going to take of him, look at those blue eyes, this is scary!--the train my mind rode was endless.
 
 But man, I don't know if there's any moment in the world that can top seeing your baby that you and the love of your life made together. It was perfect in all it's craziness. We went back to our room and everyone got the see him. They were all in love (of course!). After everyone had gotten a turn to hold him, they all went home and me and Nick and Tommy were moved to the postpartum floor. Nick was excited because there was an actual bed for him to lay on. I was in pain because my epidural was finally wearing off and Tommy was sleeping the whole time. I'll never forget those first few hours alone with our baby, just our small little family. It was awesome and still brings tears to my eyes. It's a day I will never forget and I like to relive in my mind several times a week. Tommy, you are such a gift and I can't wait to know who you are going to become. I do things for you that I never would have thought I could do--I get up in the middle of the night with a smile on my face, I get poop on my hand when I change your diaper and I don't gross out, I talk to you in baby talk and make a fool out of myself, I turn off the TV so you and I can have a conversation by grunting to eachother. You have changed our lives forever and I am SO grateful every day that God gave me one of his angels to raise and take care of. I love you, sweet boy.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Really?? Already??

Well yesterday was doomsday. The day I had to go back to work after 6 glorious weeks at home with my sweet little baby. I have been anticipating and dreading this day at the same time. I have to admit, the first 2 weeks at home with Tommy were scary and hard. I am not a person who likes to sit at home all the time. If I am in the same place without a break for more than 48 hours, I go a little nuts. Like, "If I don't get out of here you're going to wish YOU could get out of here" kind of nuts.

 Since I had a c-section, I wasn't really supposed to go up and down any stairs and all of our LIFE is in our basement, so I was shut down there for two weeks. BOOOOORING!! Plus, learning all these new things about my baby and being dead tired and feeling like my mid section was on fire made the first two weeks not fun. Granted, I LOVE my baby, but I seriously considered calling work and telling them I would come back earlier than 6 weeks. I felt like if I didn't have a specific reason to get up and be ready by a certain time, then I would stay in my pajamas all day every day and never get out of bed and I can NOT LIVE LIKE THAT!

 It's making me itch just thinking about it.

 But after the first two weeks I started getting used to our schedule and relaxing and not worrying so much about every little move and noise Tommy made and it started to be fun! We could leave and go shopping and visiting. It was nice. Just as we were getting in our groove, WORK had to come calling. Boo. Brooke stayed the night on Sunday so I would have time to get up and get ready (thank God because he decided he was hungry as soon as I woke up, which would have left me no time to shower). They sat with me while I got ready and I started getting really sad about leaving my baby.

I did okay until it was time to say goodbye and I was holding him and trying to make his little baby brain understand that I didn't WANT to leave him and if it was financially possible, I would stay home........I'm not sure if he got the message. I know in my head he doesn't really get yet that I'm not there, but in my heart I'm thinking, "What if he forgets me? What if he thinks Brooke is his mom? What if he cries and he knows I'm not there to comfort him?" Horrible, heart breaking guilt and sadness.

 But I put my big girl pants on, kissed his chubby little cheeks a million times, wiped my eyes and walked out the door. Once I got to work, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. They moved me to a new position that is REALLY busy, so in addition to moving all the stuff from my old desk to my new and getting all the work done, I didn't even have time to think about missing him. But I still made Brooke text me pictures and updates every hour or so. I am SO blessed to have her as my baby sitter. I can call us often as I want without worrying I'll annoy her. I can make her take a video of me telling my baby how much I love him and make her play it multiple times a day so he doesn't forget me (not that I actually did that........ok, I did that). And I know she loves him ALMOST as much as I do, so she'll take really good care of him!

Oh I still miss those dark blue eyes and squirmy hands when I'm not with him, but it does feel good to work and be back on a schedule. However, I don't know if I'm going to be able to leave him when he's older and realizes I'm leaving and cries when I do. That will BREAK my HEART. But hopefully that time is quite a ways off. Momma has to make some money---we just got the bill for having him and holy Peter, it's insane.

Thank God for insurance.