Monday, March 26, 2012

Why being a mom scares the $*&# out of me

So I had a little scare on Saturday. Tessa's not even born yet and she's already giving me heart attacks. Let me start by saying she is a mover. Like, a non-stop, at least once an hour EVERY hour, hard-kicking kind of mover. I can feel her all day when I'm sitting at my desk. She even does little body rolling maneuvers and flips and whatnot. Stuff that Tommy didn't start doing until WAAAAAY further down the road :)

But I digress. I woke up Saturday morning and started getting ready for the day. I was picking up Tommy from my mom's and then we were going to El Dorado to garage sale and pick up some clothes from the Facebook swap (yes, I'm addicted. It's online garage saleing YEAR ROUND people!!!). I realized about halfway to Towanda that I hadn't felt her move yet. It was almost 10:30am and usually by then, I've felt her kicking up a storm. I started paying really close attention and immediately started worrying. For the next hour, I still didn't feel anything. Right before we left Towanda, I went to Gambino's to get a pop to see if the caffeine could get her moving. While we were in the car, me and my mom prayed (which I'd been doing on my own since I realized she hadn't moved) that I would feel movement so I could relax. She kicked one little tiny kick while we were praying and I relaxed...........for awhile. But then 2 hours later, she hadn't kicked again and I'd had a full glass of Pepsi. So of COURSE, I started worrying again. We prayed again and God made her little legs kick lightly during the prayer. It's like I KNOW He was telling me to relax and that she was okay, but human nature got the best of me. That was around 1:30pm when I felt her kick during the second prayer. I payed close attention all day and by 6:30pm or so, I started crying and got really upset because I hadn't felt her. Everyone kept telling me it was okay, not to worry, babies need to sleep too, etc, etc. But my concern wasn't compared to OTHER babies. My  concern was that for TESSA, the lack of movement was extremely abnormal. I literally feel her constantly. She's super active at night, but she moves at least once an hour if not more. So my worry was coming from the fact that it was several hours between each kick.

Then Nick suggested I drink some of my sweet tea (that has recently become my addiction). He got me a glass and I downed it and layed really still on my side. I prayed and prayed that SOMETHING would happen. And about 20 minutes later, it did! She started rolling and kicking and punching. It was the best thing I've ever felt. Ever.  I know I probably came across as silly to everyone, but being a mom is literally the scariest thing in the world. Even THINKING about something being wrong with Tessa sent me into panic mode. Tommy and Tessa (and Nick, but in a different way) are my whole world. Have you heard that saying that once you become a mother it's like having your heart walk around outside your body? It's true. They own me--I think about them every hour of every day (except when I'm sleeping, which is becoming less and less every night :). I love them in a way I know I will never love anyone else. It's indescribable, really. And scary! Scary to think about all the things that can happen to them. But I know if I dwell on those things, I'll miss the fun and joy they bring to my life.

So I'm now thanking God every time I feel her move and trying SO hard not to worry about every little thing. It's a daily work in progress and totally worth every moment :)

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