Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My 100th post........

........was on Friday. I was going to mention it but wanted Tommy to be my main focus in that post :) I can't believe I've written 100 posts! The time has flown. I LOVE having this blog because I am soooo bad about writing down things at home so this helps me to be able to look back and remember things about Tommy and life before Tommy (which seems like it never existed :).

I'll have a post sometime this week with his birthday party pictures. Yesterday was a horrible, awful day full of annoying people, frustrating assignments at work and utter exhaustion. But I got in the car to go home and turned on K-Love. It totally helped lighten my mood. They were talking about cell phones and had people call in with stories about inappropriate times when their cell phones had rang and one lady called in and said she was at her husband's grandma's funeral and her phone started ringing. But the worst part was, her ring-tone at that time was "ding-dong the witch is dead!" from Wizard of Oz. For some reason, this struck me as hilarious and pulled me out of the black pit I'd been in all day.

To be honest, it wasn't just yesterday that was bad. It's been awhile. I've been struggling a LOT with letting my emotions override my logical sense of thought (imagine that!! Overly emotional at 13 weeks pregnant?!?) Nick working 3rd shift has been very hard. It's not just taking care of Tommy by myself. It's the fact that I only get to see my best friend for 30 minutes to an hour a day and it sucks. Hardcore. And I get frustrated with him and he gets frustrated with me over things that are really something neither of us can help or have any control over. I got totally overwhelmed on Saturday because Nick was trying to sleep that morning before Tommy's party and I was trying to decorate and get ready while keeping Tommy quiet---yeah right. Tommy being quiet is an oxy-moron. I feel like I can't keep up on laundry and cleaning. Obviously I take care of Tommy, but I feel like I'm not spending quality time with him because the 5 seconds I have a night where I'm not keeping him out of trouble or picking up, I want to just sit on the couch and veg out while he entertains himself. I'm tired of watching Yo gabba-gabba and Wonder pets (although they are life savers when I want Tommy to sit down for a few minutes). I'm tired of washing, drying, folding and putting away 2 loads of laundry every day and then looking in the hamper to see more staring up at me to be dealt with the next day. I've been feeling very........mundane. Even the word mundane is mundane, but it's the perfect word to describe my feeling! I live the same day every day. And I've been very frustrated with that fact. Not regretting the way my life has been at all--don't get me wrong in that aspect. I love my husband and son and family and house, etc. I just feel like my life is in repeat mode. Wake up, shower, kiss Nick on my way out, deal with a job I don't love for 8 hours, go home, eat dinner, laundry, get Tommy to sleep, go to sleep myself........and repeat.

But after the cell phone story on K-Love, the song Closer by Brandon Heath came on:
_______________________________________________
Looking for a color in a shade of gray
Looking for love in a drop of rain
Trying to find change from the old mundane
Everything I do just feels the same

Spending my life out in the desert
Been gone so long feels like forever

I just want to be closer to You
I just want to be closer, I am Yours
You can have all of me anything, everything
I just want to be closer

A day without You is a thousand years
A day without You is a million tears
Tell me why do I run when I am in fear
Why do I run when You are so near

Spending my life out in the weather
Been gone so long and I need some shelter

I just want to be, closer to You, I just want, to be closer,
I am Yours, You can have all of me anyhting everything
I just want to be closer
_____________________________________________

The lines in red are the ones that really spoke to me. I think God was trying to tell me that my days are monotonous and not very meaningful because I've been spending them apart from Him. Not intentionally. I'm not MAD at God or TRYING to avoid Him. I've just put Him on the back burner. No biggie, right? WRONG. Living life with Him is hard, but living it without Him is harder. My days become nothing important if I'm not taking time for God. I think I've really been missing the joy that He gives. It seems like I've let my stress become bigger than my Jesus and I spent some time in prayer last night for me, my husband, my babies and my attitude. I feel better already today because I've been purposely trying to do my work for God. I was looking up some scripture for my hubs last night and found a few that I DEFINITELY need to apply to my own life--like finding joy in meaningless tasks. I also really like Ecclesiastes and it talks a lot about how we shouldn't spend our days "toiling under the sun" to gain earthly possessions because that gets us know where. So one day at a time, I'm going to try to set aside time to thank God for my life and find JOY in His Word.

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