Thursday, October 17, 2013

I wonder....

Sometimes I look at my kids.......I watch them laughing and playing in blissful ignorance of what is going on around them.....and I wonder.......

I wonder if they'll ever know the joy I felt when I found out I was pregnant. That I loved them from the second I knew life had been breathed into them. That I worried every day about their growth and health and safety. That I prayed every night over every organ, bone, brain cell and hair follicle that made up their tiny bodies. That I rejoiced every time I felt them kick or roll or squirm. That I was scared to death the day they arrived. That I didn't know if I would be able to care for them when they were born as good as I had cared for them inside my tummy. That I worried I wasn't going to be a good mom or that they weren't given to as good of a mom as they deserve.

I wonder if they'll ever know how much it cost to have them here. How much pain I went through with my C-sections. That every time I went to the Wound Care Clinic, I pictured Tessa's face and told myself she was worth it. How many dollars we've spent paying off the hospital, buying diapers, getting formula, taking them places we want them to enjoy. The emotional cost of having your heart walk around outside of your body, knowing you can't protect them from every bad thing in life. But that every minute and every dollar has been worth it.

I wonder if they'll ever appreciate the things I do for them. Will it take being parents themselves before they realize what's been sacrificed for them? The nights I've spent holding them while they cry, cleaning up their messes, trying to cool their little bodies burning with fever, folding countless loads of laundry, praying that they would grow up to have good attitudes and love Jesus. That I've cooked countless meals, driven many miles, been puked on time and again and lost hundreds of hours of sleep to take care of my babies. That I go to work exhausted every day and come home and fake an energy I don't have so my kids don't worry about anything.

I wonder if they'll ever know that I'm not really the bad guy. That disciplining them is hard. That it's not fun to spend my precious hours with them sending them to time out or telling them no. That if I didn't do those things, they would grow up to be selfish, spoiled adults. That when they say they're sorry, I want so badly to forgo their punishment but I have to stick to my guns. That picking up after themselves, helping with chores and turning off the TV are things that will make them better people in the long run. That I would love to someday hand them a car and an iphone and laptop and everything their heart desires, but if they haven't done something to earn it or don't work to keep it, then it's probably not going to happen.

I wonder if they'll ever know how much I want to protect them. That every bone in my body aches when I think about the pain they'll go through growing up. That I picture the first time they'll get teased or bullied and it makes me sick to my stomach. That I think about the first boy to break Tessa's heart or the first girl to turn Tommy down and my heart tears in two. That I think about letting them walk into school alone for the first time, or staying at a friend's house for the first time, sending them to camp for a week or letting them drive for the first time and a wave of fear washes over me and I already ask for God's protection on things that haven't even happened yet. That I would do anything to keep them from pain or rejection or disappointment or illness.

I wonder if they'll ever know how happy they make me. That through the hard stuff, they're the best part of my every day. That I know no matter what happens during the day, when I put them to bed at night, they'll kiss me and hug me and tell me they love me. That no matter how mad they've made me, their smiles can still melt me and their little voices warm my heart. That even when I want to give up, I won't because they drive me to be my best. That they make me laugh every day. That I cry on a regular basis because I feel blessed to be their mom.

And I wonder if that's how my Heavenly Father feels about me.

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