Friday, March 29, 2013

Enough

All I wanted was a diamond band. Not an expensive one, it didn't have to be from any fancy store. Just a diamond band. I got one on our wedding day and have tried to convince my husband to get me a matching one for the other side of my ring for our last 4 anniversaries. My convincing was falling on deaf ears.

Sooooo.......this year with our tax return, I tried again--and he agreed! Finally! I got online to order the exact same one that I already had from the same store and it was on sale. But they didn't have my size. They had one size bigger and one size smaller, but not the size I needed, of course. Instead of letting that deter me, I ordered it one size bigger thinking it wouldn't make THAT much of a difference. I also wanted to be sure to get it while it was on sale because it was around $80 off the original price. It said it would take a few weeks to arrive and I'd been on pins and needles just WAITING for the UPS package to come through the door in the hands of the man dressed like a brown turd (poor guys that have to wear those uniforms).

That was on March 19th. But a few things have happened since then. One night I was laying in bed and was reading my book with a flashlight. I was getting irritated because the light started fading and then going out. My hubby can't sleep unless it's pitch black, so I can't really read with a lamp and a reading light is the only way to go. But I mean, I was REALLY irritated. As I was trying to talk myself out of body slamming the flash light on the floor in order to let it know how truly upset I was that it wasn't working, I said to myself, "Self, you are laying in a pillow top, king sized bed reading from a book that you bought by walking into a store FILLED with books and are laying next to your husband who is alive and well. Get over the flash light."

See, I just finished reading In the Presence of My Enemies by Gracia Burnham. If you want reality to bitch slap you in the face, read it (sorry for the cuss word but I don't think any other word would have portrayed how truly hard truth slaps one in the face). On the other hand, if you're not ready to change your world, don't read it. Long story short, her and her missionary husband are kidnapped at gunpoint by a terrorist group in the Phillistines and forced to wander in the jungle at the mercy of these strangers for a year. Sometimes all they had to eat was one bite of uncooked rice. Sometimes they had no toilet paper. Sometimes they had to sleep sitting up, handcuffed to a tree. But they NEVER stopped giving God the glory.

And I was mad about my flashlight.

After that happened, I spent the next few days trying to expand my thought process. When I walked to the fridge, I would say to myself, "I'm walking to the fridge that's in my kitchen that's generated by electricy that is stuffed to the brim with food that keeps me and my family fed and alive." Or if I had to do laundry I would try to say, "I'm folding these clothes that were washed and dried by a machine. Thank you God for providing two months worth of clothing for every member in my family."

If you stop and think (and I mean REALLY stop and think), what is enough? When is your house ever big enough? When is your car nice enough? When is your closet full enough? When is your bank account big enough? When is your family healthy enough? When do you have enough friends? When are you considered successful?

Why do we feel like we never have ENOUGH? We have cable, but it's not working right so we get mad. We have heating and air conditioning, but we're always too hot or too cold. We have access to fresh fruit, vegetables, meat--it's all at our fingertips, but we get annoyed because we have to park too far from the door and nobody wants to walk from the back of the parking lot. We have vehicles--have you ever thought about how amazing it is that we are driving cars? Some people walk miles just to get a jug--ONE JUG--of water that has to last them for days. But we're still empty.......still hungry for something more. Still waiting to feel full.

It's so easy to forget that we live blessed lives. I get reminded on a daily basis that things could be worse. Where I work, I see children with disabilities--a lot of them permanent and severe--and I feel grateful at the time that I didn't get dealt that hand in life. But then I drive home and traffic is bad and I forget. My kids aren't moving fast enough and I forget. My husband isn't answering his phone and I forget. Nobody is there to fan me with feathers and feed me grapes and I forget.

Psalm 73:26
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
 

I got my diamond ring in the mail. I wasn't as excited to open it as I thought I would be. When I put it on, it was huge. It was super shiny and new looking next to my slightly darkened engagement ring and wedding band that I've been wearing for 4 years. It didn't look right and it didn't feel as good as I anticipated.

I want to feel full again. I want to remember what He has done for me. I want Him to be enough.

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