Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Really?? Already??

Well yesterday was doomsday. The day I had to go back to work after 6 glorious weeks at home with my sweet little baby. I have been anticipating and dreading this day at the same time. I have to admit, the first 2 weeks at home with Tommy were scary and hard. I am not a person who likes to sit at home all the time. If I am in the same place without a break for more than 48 hours, I go a little nuts. Like, "If I don't get out of here you're going to wish YOU could get out of here" kind of nuts.

 Since I had a c-section, I wasn't really supposed to go up and down any stairs and all of our LIFE is in our basement, so I was shut down there for two weeks. BOOOOORING!! Plus, learning all these new things about my baby and being dead tired and feeling like my mid section was on fire made the first two weeks not fun. Granted, I LOVE my baby, but I seriously considered calling work and telling them I would come back earlier than 6 weeks. I felt like if I didn't have a specific reason to get up and be ready by a certain time, then I would stay in my pajamas all day every day and never get out of bed and I can NOT LIVE LIKE THAT!

 It's making me itch just thinking about it.

 But after the first two weeks I started getting used to our schedule and relaxing and not worrying so much about every little move and noise Tommy made and it started to be fun! We could leave and go shopping and visiting. It was nice. Just as we were getting in our groove, WORK had to come calling. Boo. Brooke stayed the night on Sunday so I would have time to get up and get ready (thank God because he decided he was hungry as soon as I woke up, which would have left me no time to shower). They sat with me while I got ready and I started getting really sad about leaving my baby.

I did okay until it was time to say goodbye and I was holding him and trying to make his little baby brain understand that I didn't WANT to leave him and if it was financially possible, I would stay home........I'm not sure if he got the message. I know in my head he doesn't really get yet that I'm not there, but in my heart I'm thinking, "What if he forgets me? What if he thinks Brooke is his mom? What if he cries and he knows I'm not there to comfort him?" Horrible, heart breaking guilt and sadness.

 But I put my big girl pants on, kissed his chubby little cheeks a million times, wiped my eyes and walked out the door. Once I got to work, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. They moved me to a new position that is REALLY busy, so in addition to moving all the stuff from my old desk to my new and getting all the work done, I didn't even have time to think about missing him. But I still made Brooke text me pictures and updates every hour or so. I am SO blessed to have her as my baby sitter. I can call us often as I want without worrying I'll annoy her. I can make her take a video of me telling my baby how much I love him and make her play it multiple times a day so he doesn't forget me (not that I actually did that........ok, I did that). And I know she loves him ALMOST as much as I do, so she'll take really good care of him!

Oh I still miss those dark blue eyes and squirmy hands when I'm not with him, but it does feel good to work and be back on a schedule. However, I don't know if I'm going to be able to leave him when he's older and realizes I'm leaving and cries when I do. That will BREAK my HEART. But hopefully that time is quite a ways off. Momma has to make some money---we just got the bill for having him and holy Peter, it's insane.

Thank God for insurance.

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