Thursday, March 31, 2011

I saw Satan..........

  • I saw Satan last weekend. I saw him and I stared him down in his digusting face. He reared his ugly head and attacked my mind until it felt like the rug had been swept out from underneath my feet. I have always heard that verse in the Bible, John 10:10-"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy".......and man, is that true. Satan's goal in life is to kick us when we're down; to hurt is beyond what we ever thought possible.

  • My aunt Becky has suffered from cancer for what seems like forever now. And when I use the term 'suffer,' I don't use it lightly. In my opinion, not a lot of people in the world TRULY suffer. People throw that word around without really thinking about the meaning. If we all suffered as much as we thought we did, then we would be much worse off than we truly are. Anyhow, I went to see my aunt at the hospital last Saturday. She had been admitted because her lungs were filling up with fluid. They drained off at least 2 liters and while it helped with her breathing a little bit, things just got progressively worse. I was mentally prepared for what I was going to see because my cousins had told us she was in a lot of pain. So when I got to the hospital with Tommy, Nick and my other cousin Whitney, I tried to turn my emotional switch off and focus on the fact that she's still alive. This is hard for me because I cry at the drop of a hat (especially ever since I've been pregnant--I'm sure some of you know how that goes), but nobody laying in a hospital bed for the 5th day in a row wants to see their family come in blubbering when I'm sure they're thinking, "What the hell are YOU crying about?!? You're not the one with cancer, losing their hair, depending on everybody to do everything, getting poked and prodded every 30 minutes, only being able to breathe with the assistance of oxygen, you selfish moron." That's what I would be thinking anyways :) Note to readers--if I ever get cancer, don't cry in my hospital room!

  • When we finally got to her room, I wasn't shocked by what I saw. I had visited her a little earlier in the week and she looked about the same. Of course, it was nothing compared to what she usually looks like, but it hadn't changed much in the last few days. She had her feet sticking out of the end of the sheets and I remember commenting on her perfectly manicured bright pink nail polish :) That's my aunt Becky! She's the one always trying to pull things together in the middle of a catastrophe. We settled in for a few hours of visiting. It was just Becky, her two daughters and the three of us. We talked for awhile and she drifted in and out, throwing in her two cents every now and then. We somehow got on the subject of coupons and what was the best way to organize them. My cousin Darci was making fun of my cousin Cara because when they went Christmas shopping, Cara showed up with envelopes for each store they were going to with coupons inside. Written on the envelopes were the names of each item she was going to buy, how much it cost and if she had a coupon for it. I, personally, thought this was genius. Darci, however, thought it was insane (keep in mind, this is the cousin who thinks Cara is in competition with the Duggars because she already has 3 kids!). We thought Becky was sleeping during this conversation, but when the girls' discussion got a little louder, she perked up with a bit of coupon advice. She said, "Now girls, everyone has to do it their way and do whatever works best for them." Not a huge, eloquent speech and she fell back asleep immediately after saying it, but man did I feel like I had been sucker punched in the gut. When she said that, I started thinking about Becky and who she REALLY is. I don't know as much about her as I wish I did, but I do know some things that I will never forget. She really does do it her own way. Becky had Becky's way of walking, talking, organizing, motivating, decorating, loving, sharing, planning, cooking.........EVERYTHING about her was uniquely Becky! I always think of her sitting in a chair at the head of their table and twirling a piece of her hair around her finger while she's giving one of her speeches about SOMETHING she feels passionate about. She LOVED to get on her soap box, and I must say that I usually thoroughly enjoyed lending her a hand to step up on it. She could be quite entertaining when she was talking about something she loved, whether I agreed with it or not!

  • When she said that and all those thoughts started flying, my emotional switch flipped back on. We left shortly after and I had driven seperately from everyone, so I had time to think on my drive back home. I have to admit that I got mad. I mean, REALLY mad. That verse about Satan coming to kill, steal and destroy just kept going through my mind, repeating over and over like a bad record. He comes to steal--steal her hair, her smile, her energy. He comes to kill--kill her joy, her happiness, her earthly body. He comes to destroy--destroy each member of her family, her health, her very life. WHY does God let that happen?!? I saw a women who had been a vibrant part of my life for all 26 of my years, a daughter for 55 years, a mother and a wife for over 30 years, an aunt for 29 years, a friend to many for 20+ years, a woman who was strong and healthy--slowly wasting away in one of the most painful ways possible. Why does God let suffering happen? WHY???? My drive home was a long one and it made me sad and scared and tired. I kept thinking about my uncle and cousins. What do you do with your life when your wife just can't.........just can't BE anymore? How do you exist when your mother isn't around to give you advice or soothe your nerves or hold your hand? It just doesn't seem fair.

  • I thought on this a lot and just recently went to look up the John 10:10 scripture since I kept thinking about it. I know now that God was calling me to do that because what I found was a part of the verse that I DIDN'T remember--a part that I'm sure Satan wanted me to forget because it tells of God's love and gives us a reason to hope. It's so perfect now that I have hindsight.

  • This is the verse in full: John 10:10--"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destory; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Oh how that second part of the verse soothed my aching heart. Becky passed away on Tuesday, March 29th, 2011 but God has come that she may have life and have it to the full. And what a life she's going to have in Heaven! God promises in Heaven that there is NO PAIN and that is something people have been praying for Becky for a long time. We may be hurting on earth and for awhile, it's going to be next to impossible for her parents, husband, daughters, grandkids and friends to function but her life from March 30th on is going to be like nothing we will ever know until we get to Heaven ourselves. She'll be dancing PAIN FREE, singing God's praise for eternity, walking the streets of gold in a world we can only dream about.

  • Becky, I love you and miss you and it hasn't really sunk into my head that you're not going to be at the next Easter party or your next grandson's birth or Kylie's first day of kindergarten. But I can rest assured knowing that you're watching out for all of us in Heaven and that some day.............even if it feels like an eternity away..........we will see you again.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

Awesome reflection on a great lady. We had a sermon series not too long ago on "suffering well". Do you let your suffering consume you and destroy those around you, or do you allow God to use your suffering to His Glory. I know Becky was never consumed. She was allowed to trade her ashes for beauty. What a great tribute!