I wish I could say it was all rainbows and sunshine after we met him. That I could tell you as soon as my eyes locked onto those dark brown peepers peering out at me under a mop of curly hair that I felt an instant connection and knew this little boy belonged in my life. That I could say I've had zero doubts since he stepped through our door.
But that would be so far from the truth.
His team dropped him off without a blue book. For anyone that does foster care, you know the importance of the blue book. It contains every piece of information about your foster child that you could need.
And we had nothing. We didn't know his history, his health status, why we were his third or fourth home.....nothing. So we had to wing it.
Our first night wasn't too bad. To be honest, it's all a blur and I don't remember very many details other than him being really wound up and ready to see what our house was all about. I remember being pleasantly surprised at how happy he was. He finally slowed down and stopped moving around 3am when we turned on some Puppy Dog Pals. It distracted him for a bit, but he got really upset any time we turned the TV and lights off. I finally turned on the Elevation Worship playlist and held him until he fell asleep. He was kind of restless in his sleep and we would occasionally hear him whimper or toss around, but he slept through the night.
The next morning.....that's what will be ingrained in my memory FOREVER. I had taken the morning off work and Nick had taken the afternoon off. So we got the kids off to school together and then it was just me and him. Alone. He was weary of me and I was just as weary of him. We were both exhausted, which never helps anything. About an hour into our time together, he had already thrown about 5 tantrums (involving him throwing himself backward onto our hardwood floors and hitting his head) and I was getting ready to throw my own tantrum. I was doing my best to be upbeat and happy for him, knowing that whatever I was feeling, he was feeling times ten.
I mustered enough energy to put him in his highchair and feed him a snack.
And then I cried. And I cried and cried and cried. I have never felt so attacked by the enemy as I did in that moment. I laid my head on the table and sobbed until I had nothing left in me.
"What are we doing?"
"Why did I say yes to this?"
"What did I just do to our family?"
"Did I really hear God right?"
"We'll never be able to take care of this kid the way he needs us to."
"How are my kids going to handle this?"
All of these thoughts swirled around in my head while he stared at me and munched on goldfish and apple juice. I knew they were lies and that there was NO denying this is what God wanted from us, but the truth was being drowned out by what Satan was shouting at me.
My mom and sister came over with my niece and nephew to see me and meet our new little guy and because it was my mom's birthday. I tried so hard to hold it together when they walked through the door. But one question from my mom ("How's it going?") and I was done. I cried again while my mom told me it would be okay. That I was just tired and tomorrow would be a new day.
Deep breaths.
I finished crying and he finished his snack. I got him down from his high chair so he could play with my niece and nephew. My mom, sister and I all went to sit down on the couch to talk while they played and I was so thankful to have something to distract me from my thoughts.
He was having a really hard time sharing anything and continued to throw tantrums whenever he was told no or to share. He grabbed something out of my nephew's hand and I braced myself to get up and go through another round of gentle correction and explaining that he can't do that to other kids. But before I could get up, my nephew walked over to where I was sitting and got on my lap and let me hug him.
He never lets me hug him. He always laughs and runs away and blows me kisses from afar.
But that morning.....that morning, he sat completely still with his sticky little arms around my neck and comforted me in a way that nobody else could.
I am confident that God used him in that moment to speak truth to me and to drown out the lies of the enemy. That one little hug gave me energy to handle another tantrum, to know that this would be hard, but we CAN do it, to CHEER UP! because we are walking in God's will.
After a few minutes, he looked into my eyes, patted my cheeks and hopped down to go play.
And I knew that everything was going to be okay.
Momma said there'd be days like this....but God said to take heart, so that's what I'm trying to do.
It's taken me some time (as it does in EVERY situation involving change in my life) to warm up to him....but I'm there now. I'm all in. I love him and for as long as I have him and mostly likely even when we don't anymore, I consider him my son.
In the almost three weeks he's been with us, we've had some really high highs and some really low lows. We've had days where he cried for hours on end about EVERYTHING. We've had days where he's laughed and fallen asleep smiling. We've had moments full of simultaneous joy and pain....like when he called me mama and Nick dad. Glad that he felt comfortable enough to do that, heartbroken that he's calling a perfect stranger mom and dad because he doesn't fully comprehend what those roles should mean in his life.
He is SUPER attached to Nick and Nick LOVES it (most of the time)! They're best buds. And it works out for me, because I actually get to go to the bathroom alone still--ha!
The kids are obsessed with him. I laugh at myself now when I think about how upset I was that first day wondering what I had just done to their lives. Tessa can't wait to get home to see him and Tommy LOVES making him laugh.
He makes us laugh every day with his wrinkled nose and ornery grin. We cheer each time he says a new word and clap when he does something new. He loves to give us high fives and "squeezes." He giggles every time he toots on someone and has the world's best "I don't care what you say" look when he's mad. The tantrums have all but stopped. He still doesn't like to be told no, but I don't know a toddler that does!
Each day has brought something new (good OR bad) and God has shown up for us time and again and given us what we need to meet each challenge head on.
We are surrounded by a support group of family and friends that have encouraged us, prayed for us, given us clothes and car seats and shoes and highchairs and strollers, baby-sat our kids while we go to appointments and meetings.....we know that anything we need, they are there for us.
And as it goes in the world of foster care, we have no idea what the future holds. We don't know how long we'll have him, what reintegration with his biological family will look like, how it will all play out. But we hope and pray that with each day we have him, we are showing him just a glimpse of God's love for him.
But that would be so far from the truth.
His team dropped him off without a blue book. For anyone that does foster care, you know the importance of the blue book. It contains every piece of information about your foster child that you could need.
And we had nothing. We didn't know his history, his health status, why we were his third or fourth home.....nothing. So we had to wing it.
Our first night wasn't too bad. To be honest, it's all a blur and I don't remember very many details other than him being really wound up and ready to see what our house was all about. I remember being pleasantly surprised at how happy he was. He finally slowed down and stopped moving around 3am when we turned on some Puppy Dog Pals. It distracted him for a bit, but he got really upset any time we turned the TV and lights off. I finally turned on the Elevation Worship playlist and held him until he fell asleep. He was kind of restless in his sleep and we would occasionally hear him whimper or toss around, but he slept through the night.
The next morning.....that's what will be ingrained in my memory FOREVER. I had taken the morning off work and Nick had taken the afternoon off. So we got the kids off to school together and then it was just me and him. Alone. He was weary of me and I was just as weary of him. We were both exhausted, which never helps anything. About an hour into our time together, he had already thrown about 5 tantrums (involving him throwing himself backward onto our hardwood floors and hitting his head) and I was getting ready to throw my own tantrum. I was doing my best to be upbeat and happy for him, knowing that whatever I was feeling, he was feeling times ten.
I mustered enough energy to put him in his highchair and feed him a snack.
And then I cried. And I cried and cried and cried. I have never felt so attacked by the enemy as I did in that moment. I laid my head on the table and sobbed until I had nothing left in me.
"What are we doing?"
"Why did I say yes to this?"
"What did I just do to our family?"
"Did I really hear God right?"
"We'll never be able to take care of this kid the way he needs us to."
"How are my kids going to handle this?"
All of these thoughts swirled around in my head while he stared at me and munched on goldfish and apple juice. I knew they were lies and that there was NO denying this is what God wanted from us, but the truth was being drowned out by what Satan was shouting at me.
My mom and sister came over with my niece and nephew to see me and meet our new little guy and because it was my mom's birthday. I tried so hard to hold it together when they walked through the door. But one question from my mom ("How's it going?") and I was done. I cried again while my mom told me it would be okay. That I was just tired and tomorrow would be a new day.
Deep breaths.
I finished crying and he finished his snack. I got him down from his high chair so he could play with my niece and nephew. My mom, sister and I all went to sit down on the couch to talk while they played and I was so thankful to have something to distract me from my thoughts.
He was having a really hard time sharing anything and continued to throw tantrums whenever he was told no or to share. He grabbed something out of my nephew's hand and I braced myself to get up and go through another round of gentle correction and explaining that he can't do that to other kids. But before I could get up, my nephew walked over to where I was sitting and got on my lap and let me hug him.
He never lets me hug him. He always laughs and runs away and blows me kisses from afar.
But that morning.....that morning, he sat completely still with his sticky little arms around my neck and comforted me in a way that nobody else could.
I am confident that God used him in that moment to speak truth to me and to drown out the lies of the enemy. That one little hug gave me energy to handle another tantrum, to know that this would be hard, but we CAN do it, to CHEER UP! because we are walking in God's will.
After a few minutes, he looked into my eyes, patted my cheeks and hopped down to go play.
And I knew that everything was going to be okay.
Momma said there'd be days like this....but God said to take heart, so that's what I'm trying to do.
It's taken me some time (as it does in EVERY situation involving change in my life) to warm up to him....but I'm there now. I'm all in. I love him and for as long as I have him and mostly likely even when we don't anymore, I consider him my son.
In the almost three weeks he's been with us, we've had some really high highs and some really low lows. We've had days where he cried for hours on end about EVERYTHING. We've had days where he's laughed and fallen asleep smiling. We've had moments full of simultaneous joy and pain....like when he called me mama and Nick dad. Glad that he felt comfortable enough to do that, heartbroken that he's calling a perfect stranger mom and dad because he doesn't fully comprehend what those roles should mean in his life.
He is SUPER attached to Nick and Nick LOVES it (most of the time)! They're best buds. And it works out for me, because I actually get to go to the bathroom alone still--ha!
The kids are obsessed with him. I laugh at myself now when I think about how upset I was that first day wondering what I had just done to their lives. Tessa can't wait to get home to see him and Tommy LOVES making him laugh.
He makes us laugh every day with his wrinkled nose and ornery grin. We cheer each time he says a new word and clap when he does something new. He loves to give us high fives and "squeezes." He giggles every time he toots on someone and has the world's best "I don't care what you say" look when he's mad. The tantrums have all but stopped. He still doesn't like to be told no, but I don't know a toddler that does!
Each day has brought something new (good OR bad) and God has shown up for us time and again and given us what we need to meet each challenge head on.
We are surrounded by a support group of family and friends that have encouraged us, prayed for us, given us clothes and car seats and shoes and highchairs and strollers, baby-sat our kids while we go to appointments and meetings.....we know that anything we need, they are there for us.
And as it goes in the world of foster care, we have no idea what the future holds. We don't know how long we'll have him, what reintegration with his biological family will look like, how it will all play out. But we hope and pray that with each day we have him, we are showing him just a glimpse of God's love for him.
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