Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Because He lives!

I went to church on Sunday with kind of a bad attitude. I was tired, grumpy, stressed, wishing I wasn't "committed" to going to church so I could stay home with my family and do NOTHING all day. It seemed like it took FOREVER to get ready and get all of Tommy's stuff together and I get frustrated with myself because it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't get anywhere on time. Nobody's fault but my own, I know. Anyways, I sped to Towanda and picked up my cousin Whitney and got to the church as fast as I could. Luckily, we got there on time and got to our seats before anything started. Tommy was wide awake and I was stressing out and hoping he would stay quiet and not throw any tantrums during the service. We sang a few songs and had greeting time and went through all the mandatory "Nice to see you" and "Good morning! How have you been?" stuff. The whole time I'm smiling away to the rest of the congregation, I'm faking it and thinking about how warm my bed was and how annoyed I was with life at the moment. I sat through the service and nodded my head at all the right parts and closed my eyes when we prayed, not really feeling anything that day because apparently, I had decided to give the day to Satan as soon as I opened my eyes (WHY DO I DO THAT?!?!). Towards the end of the service, Chris said something significant (can't remember now what it was unfortunately) that woke me up a little bit and started to make me feel a little convicted and repentent of my attitude. And then..........we sang THE song. It's a song we sing that when I was pregnant, made me cry every time. It really makes me stop and think about my life. It's an old hymn called Because He Lives. There's a verse in there that says:

How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives
But greater still the calm assurance
This child can face uncertain days because He lives
 
Talk about a song that takes your breath away. I've always known and appreciated the fact that Jesus lived and died for MY sins and that is a concept that is amazing to me. But since having Tommy, the things and sacrifices that people do for me become SO much more significant when they're doing it for my child. Yes, Jesus died for my sins and for that, I will forever be grateful. But knowing He died for my baby's sins and because of His life, MY baby can face uncertain days.........THAT is something that makes me want to fall to my knees and praise Him. I have heard of a mother's instinct but until you are one, you can't truly grasp what that means. With everything inside of me, I want SO bad to give Tommy a life full of love and joy and happiness and everything he could ever want and to protect him from pain and sorrow and death and misery. I don't ever want to think about him going through difficult situations--But greater still the calm assurance MY child can face uncertain days because He lives. On K-Love today, someone said that their mother once told them that Jesus loved them more than she ever could. And I honestly thought in my head for a fleeting moment, "There's no way anybody could love Tommy more than I could--even Jesus." Seriously, Brady?!? Yeah, did I mention that thought was fleeting? :) God quickly convicted me and let me know I was wrong. And I KNEW that but that's just my first instinct is that as Tommy's mother, I  do the most, know the most, care the most and love him the most. How foolish of me. For as much as I love Tommy, God's love for him is multiplied by a million as is His love for me. Let's just say that song pulled me out of my funk and made me hold my baby a little bit closer. I am going to try to wake up each day and mentally give my day to God. God never promised that as Christians we would have easy lives. But He does promise that no matter what we go through, He will be right beside us.

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