Giving In

As most of you know, Tessa's arrival in our lives was a total surprise. I knew--absolutely KNEW-- that I was pregnant when it happened but had to go through 2 negative pregnancy tests until one finally came up positive on the third try. We certainly weren't TRYING to get pregnant. To be honest, with our busy schedules, I'm not even sure how it happened in the first place ;) But lo and behold, there they were...........two pink lines.

I hate to admit it but at the same time my heart was racing with excitement, it was also panicking with every heart beat. I immediately started thinking about how this baby was going to change our lives, which had just settled into a normal routine after having Tommy.

When I told Nick I was pregnant, we both laughed. For a loooooong time. It was the only way we could process the fact that in 9 months, our world was going to be rocked--AGAIN. I went through ups and downs the next few weeks. I mean, a baby is a baby and I was SUPER excited to know I was carrying a life inside me, but it was just so unexpected. I trusted God was going to take care of everything (at least I told myself I trusted that) but was scared to death at the same time. We had planned that by the time we got pregnant with our second one, Tommy would be out of diapers, talking and halfway through high school (okay, not THAT old, but not 18 months!). And yet, here he was, just learning to walk and use a spoon on his own. He had just started sleeping through the night. Just started entertaining himself. Just started understanding what we were telling him to do.

But the one day I remember more than any other after finding out we were pregnant was a day that I was driving to work about a month later. I'd been through negative pregnancy tests, being told I was probably carrying a blighted ovum (google it), finding out I really was pregnant, going to the ER thinking I was having a miscarriage but really having a bad kidney infection to finally settling into the reality that a baby was coming in July. I felt so jumbled. I hadn't let myself really believe it was happening until that moment. I had tried not to worry yet, tried not to get excited yet, tried not to tell anyone yet. And on that drive in, it just hit me. All the emotions at once. I started panicking thinking about money, sleep, room in our house, how Tommy would be, Nick working 3rd shift while I took care of a newborn--you name it, I thought about it.

In the midst of my panick attack, God stepped up in a big way. This song by Sanctus Real came on the radio. I wasn't really paying attention until the chorus came on and it literally took my breath away and sent me into sobs as soon as I heard it.

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear at that EXACT moment. I literally felt like there was chaos going on inside of me and He was reassuring me that I just need to give in to Him. It's like he slapped me in the face and said, "Really?! You're really worrying when I've trusted you with such a big blessing? Suck it up and enjoy!" He was probably saying it nicer than that, but you get the drift :) Tessa IS something Heavenly and I needed to give in to the fact that I didn't have control and God was doing something awesome in my life. I didn't know it was a girl at that time, but I knew from that moment on I could stop worrying about how our lives were going to be interrupted and start thanking God for sending us this little blessing.

Since then, I've been reminded time and again how awesome it is to be pregnant. Sure, it comes with it's aches and pains (literally), but hearing the heartbeat, finding out it was a girl, feeling her kick and roll inside me.......it's chaotic, but it's perfect and holy and amazing. What a way to be reminded of God's handiwork on a daily basis.

So Tessa, even though you were a surprise, you are so, SO very wanted. There's not a moment of my pregnancy that I would trade for anything. I can't wait to see your face and feel your skin and smell your smell. I can't wait to hold you, seeing the finished product of 9 months of hard work. Hurry up and get here, sweet girl. We love you!

Restored

This last weekend was SOOOOO much better than the week before. As mentioned in a few previous posts, Tommy had not been in the best of moods and was showing his attitude quite a lot in some REAAAALLY unattractive ways. And it was happening a lot in public, which only makes everything worse because you're embarrassed and exhausted by the time his fits are over.

So I have to honestly say, I wasn't exactly looking forward to the weekend. I was weary and praying that we would all get along well so our weekend could be peaceful. And it was. Thank you God!! Friday, Nick had to work 2pm to 11pm, so Tommy, my mom and I ate some dinner at Gambino's and then hung out at mom's house. He minded pretty well and got to run around outside a lot, so he was happy for the most part! He ended up staying the night with my mom, which was awesome because when Nick got home, we got to actually talk and relax and enjoy each other's company without disciplining or chasing a toddler or getting milk cups or snacks. It was so nice. My cousin's daughter had a birthday party the next day, so my mom was going to just bring Tommy to our house Saturday and then we were going to the birthday party. Well, Nick and I must have slept really good because we heard someone banging on the bedroom door Saturday morning and it scared me to death. But I looked at the clock and it was 10:45am and my mom was there with Tommy! I don't think I've slept that late for 2 years. It was awesome!!

I hurried and got around and went to the party with mom and Tommy. After that, Nick, Tommy and I went into Wichita to buy a laptop. I know, I know, it's ridiculous that we didn't already have our own computer. But it's something we just kept putting off and FINALLY decided to bite the bullet and buy with our income tax return (since we actually got one this year! It'll be nice since we'll have 2 dependents next year ;). 2 1/2 hours later, a gallon of sweat and 50 sheets of paperwork later, we were the owners of a Dell laptop with wireless internet. Geez louise, what a process that was. Ridiculous. But glad it was done. Tommy was antsy at Best Buy but I don't blame the kid. It was so stinkin hot at that store and like I said, we were there FOREVER. He was SO good. No tantrums, no fits.....just wanted to walk around a little bit. Then we went home and relaxed awhile. Nick and I had a gift card to Willie's in El Dorado, so we dropped Tommy off with his grandma and went out to eat and then did something SUPER romantic--got groceries together :) Not the most exciting thing in the world, but it was nice just to BE together alone. And dinner was delicious.

We stayed home from church Sunday and hung out all morning until Brooke and I went to a 31 party (which had some fantastic stuff I wanted!!). Then we got to hang out again as a family until Nick went into work. Tommy was so sweet and cuddly and lovey all weekend and had just a few short fits that were ended as soon as we said he would have to sit in his play pen if he wasn't good (and I cannot BELIEVE that threat works, but it does!).

I just had to share that God is good and after the way I felt last week, it was so amazing to have an awesome weekend with my son and husband. I felt restored and replenished and like a good mom with a good kid. I hate going back and reading the posts where I'm frustrated or down or empty, but it's such a good way to see how God never fails. He promises not to leave me and He doesn't. He dries every tear and lifts my chin and gives me the encouragement and energy I need to keep going. I am so very blessed.

28 weeks

How Far Along? 28 weeks--made it to the 3rd trimester, baby!! Now if she's born early, she has a 90% chance of survival. I can rest a little easier (figuartively--as actual rest has been non-existant lately)

Maternity Clothes? Yup

Weight Gain? 5 lbs

Stretch Marks? No new ones

Gender? sweet baby girl
Sleep? It's been a little better. Not great, but I've only been waking up 1 to 2 times to use the bathroom rather than 3-4.

Food Cravings? Macaroni and Cheese from Noodle's & Co and Dr. Pepper

What I Miss? Having energy, walking without pain, restful sleep

Symptoms? still some muscle/ligament type pain
Movement? of course--getting into the full body rolls. She gets sooooooo active at night.
Belly button? In

Worst Moment of the Week? Just still feeling uncomfortable
Best Moment of the Week? Hearing Tommy say, "Tess!" (sounds like Desssh!!) and then kissing my tummy
Scariest Moment of the Week? none this week, thank you Jesus

Today

Last night was a reeeeeeaaaaally bad night. And it's carried over into today.

So today, I need an attitude adjustment. I need a long, hot bath. I need a vacation. I need a nap. Today, I need a margarita. I need Super Nanny. I need the next 3 months to pass quickly. I need a tan. I need to put the shoe on the other foot.....but I don't want to. Today, I need wisdom. I need encouragement. I need a new job. I need to see palm trees and the ocean (yeah right :). I need an extra large Dr. Pepper with extra crushed ice and a super long straw because that's the way I like it! I need a gigantic C shaped body pillow that supports my tummy and back. Right now, I need God to tell me WHY my toddler is acting like he's possessed. I need to know it's normal for mom's to feel like failures a lot. I need some Tylenol but I forgot it at home. I need validation. I need to lay in bed with my hand on my tummy feeling my baby kick. I need to run away with my husband for a few days (and the money to take us where we want to go :). Today, I need a Bible big enough to lay in so I can literally wallow in His Word. I need to stop worrying about how we look when Tommy is freaking out in public. I need to know he's going through a "stage" and not just a brat. I need to cry.....a lot. I need to go somewhere really fun and do something crazy. I need to go shopping. I need to do something really nice for someone anonymously. I need to practice patience.

But today, what I need more than anything in the world is................

GRACE

THAT kid

Well, I took Tommy to the dentist. And he turned into THAT kid. You know the one I'm talking about. The kid where you try not to stare because you understand what the mom is going through but you just can't help yourself because they're so loud and bratty and annoying--that was my kid at the dentist.

He chipped his front tooth Sunday night and they got him in yesterday morning for an appt. He's never been to the dentist and since we took his paci away, he has had quite the attitude. So I was dreading this appointment and prayed the whole way that he'd be in a good mood. I think God was trying to teach me something (PS. It didn't work God! I was too embarrassed to learn any lessons!!) because literally, the second me and Brooke walked through the door with him, he flipped out. He was crying and squirming to get down and stiffening his body. When we let him down, he tried to run through open doors, pull magazines off the tables, whatever he could get his little hands on. Poor Brooke--she was trying to hold him so I could do paperwork and I'm sure she was hoping and praying in her head that everyone knew that was MY bratty kid, not hers :) They called us back really quickly and I made some stupid joke out of nervousness and embarrassment that the nurse gave a weak pity smile to. I had turned into THAT mom--the one that tries to make excuses for her baby and let people know that he's not normally like this while everyone nods and thinks, "Yeah right."

The dentist office was awesome and I wish so badly Tommy could have calmed down and enjoyed it. They had TVs above each dentist chair--which normally distracts him very well, but nope, not yesterday. I was trying to sit in the dentist chair and hold him, fill out paperwork and keep him from getting down. We were a hot mess. He was still whining and struggling to get away from us when the dentist came. He started screaming (which turned out okay because the dentist could see inside his mouth since it was wide open) and continued to cry the whole time. The dentist told me exactly what I knew he would say. We had 3 options: 1) leave it until it he loses his baby tooth. 2) Cap it now but he'd for sure have to re-do it in 1-2 years. 3) Wait a year to see if the tooth has fully grown out of the gum and cap it then.

The "care about what other people think and not let my son get made fun of EVER" part of me wants to cap it now, even if we have to repeat it later. The mom in me says there's no sense in sedating him twice just to make sure he looks good now. But I think we've decided to go back in a year and have it capped then. I don't want to send him to preschool with a snaggle tooth and if we wait to cap it, he should only have to have it done once. Besides, you really can't see it because his lips cover it. Only when he smiles or cries is it really obvious. So for now we will have a chipped-tooth little guy and I'm already starting prayers that when we go back in a year, he doesn't act the way then that he did yesterday.

Tip of the day: don't let your kid stand in a baby arm chair when there's plastic storage bins nearby. It could result in a hillbilly baby :)

What a weekend

Nick and I were both really excited for last weekend to come. We'd been waiting and waiting and WAITING! He was going on a hog hunt with a bunch of his friends and our almost-brother-in-law. And I was spending the weekend with my mom, sister and Tommy and we were hitting up Benton Days and garage saling to our hearts contents!! It actually started out perfect. My in-laws asked if Tommy could hang with them on Saturday and I was more than happy to oblige so he could play with his cousins and I could go to garage sales without getting him in and out of the car a million times. Win-win situation!

My mom and sister stayed the night Friday and then we dropped Tommy off Saturday morning and hit the town! The first garage sale we went to, they were selling a TON of polos in Nick's size, but nothing was marked. I asked a lady how much a t-shirt was and she said $1 and honestly, I would've payed a few bucks each for the polos, but I made my mom wheel and deal for me. She said she'd give her a $1 each for the polos too and the lady said okay! So I got 7 shirts for $7. Sweet deal and they were all name brand. I was keeping an eye out for a crib mattress because we were going to buy a white crib brand new from Wal-Mart for $125 but it didn't have the mattress. So I held off on ordering it. But we pulled up to a garage sale full of pink clothes and there was a crib mattress! So I bought it and a ton of clothes for Tessa (I know, she already has too much!). We found a bunch of stuff along the way---storage baskets for the kids' room, more clothes, lots of clothes, and did I mention, we found some clothes?!? Let's just say, my kids could wear a different outfit every day for 2 weeks :) Anywho........my in-laws brough Tommy back to Benton in time for him to watch the parade and I'm SO glad he was there. He LOVED it!! I thought the loud trucks and little cars and sirens would scare him, but he just stood on the side of the road with his eyes wide open and laughing at all the loud noises. It was so cute!

But the BEST part of the day..........was the very last garage sale we went to. It. Was. HEAVEN! It was at the storage units in Benton and there were 3 or 4 of them open. I saw a peak of a white headboard in one of them and my heart started beating fast and my palms got sweaty (I'm not exaggerating). I knew in my heart I was seeing the back of a crib. And lo and behold, I walked up to find a white crib that looked almost brand new. And then it got better. It had a mattress!! And then it got EVEN BETTER. The price tag said...........wait for it.....................THIRTY DOLLARS!!!!! What?!? Sold. Done. Loaded in my Jeep before anyone could steal my treasure. And to top it off, they were selling baby girl shoes for $1 a pair. I snapped up 5 pairs, threw them on top of the crib and drove away before anyone could tell me I was dreaming.

We ended the day with massages and dinner from On The Border. It was like the cherry on top of the sundae!

And then Sunday happened. And I wanted to cry and rip my hair out. We got up and got ready for church and Tommy was grumpy (he's been teething). This was our first week to church without a paci, so I was nervous. That's the only thing that ever made him be quiet in church. I LOVE going to church and need to go to church, but after Sunday, I really don't think we'll try again for awhile. He was SOOOO ornery. We sang a lot and he did great during that because of course, he could be loud and nobody could hear him. And then the service started. And he threw a fit because he got told no. And he screamed and stiffened up his body. So I picked him up, hauled him and my pregnant butt down a MILLION stairs and left. Our nursery worker doesn't seem to be extremely helpful, so I can't really leave him there. I watched once through the door and he was crying hysterically and she just kept saying, "Shhhhh...." Not real effective on a one year old. He needs someone to hold him and pick him up for a few minutes and distract him until he forgets he was left alone! But that never happens, so I don't know what we're going to do about church. I wish we had a bigger nursery or a cry room or something.

And then we went shopping with Aunt Brooke. We had lunch at Noodles & Co. and it was delicious. But I was trying to be nice and give Tommy a little sip of my Dr.Pepper and Mr. Independent tried to rip the cup out of my hand and managed to spill the whole thing all over himself and the stroller. Awesome.

And then we went home. And saw Nick, which was awesome since he'd been gone all weekend. But something bad happened. Nick was upstairs and me and Tommy were hanging out downstairs. Tommy was standing in this little arm chair he has (that's like 5 inches off the gound) and he somehow managed to trip over the side of it. Which wouldn't have been too horrible, except he hit his mouth on this plastic storage tub we had out. And chipped over half his tooth off. His FRONT tooth. The poor baby was bleeding and after all that was cleaned up, he looked like a hillbilly! So we're making our first trip to the dentist tomorrow. He doesn't seem to be in much pain, but I hate that it happened.

So my weekend was a perfect mix of lovely and insane--which seems to be the theme of my life :)

27 weeks

How Far Along? 27 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yup

Weight Gain? 4 lbs

Stretch Marks? No new ones

Gender? Girly girl!!

Sleep? Sucky. But not because of Tessa. Tommy's been coughing a lot at night and it keeps me up.

Food Cravings? Macaroni and Cheese from Noodle's & Co. SOOOOOO yummy.

What I Miss? Rest and not feeling tired all the time.

Symptoms? Some serious hip pain and discomfort in my baby area. Not sure what's going on but it hurts BAD.

Movement? Constant

Belly button? In

Worst Moment of the Week? All the pain that's been going on

Best Moment of the Week? Finding a white crib for Tessa at a garage sale for $30!!! Score!

Scariest Moment of the Week? Well, it has nothing to do with Tessa, but Tommy fell and hit his mouth on a plastic storage tub and chipped his tooth. My poor baby looks like a hillbilly. He doesn't seem to be in pain anymore but I feel so bad for the poor guy. We go in tomorrow for a consult at the dentist. Keep your fingers crossed that he doesn't throw a huge fit!