Saturday, May 9, 2015

It's been too long

I saw her at the grocery store. It was her hair, her clothes, her walk....it was her. Her name passed over my lips before I could stop myself. She turned at the sound of my voice, but as I held up my hand to wave at her, I realized her face wasn't familiar.

In that moment, it hit me like a punch in the gut and I remembered.

She was gone.

For four years now.

It happens all the time, it seems. I see the people I love that are no longer on this earth everywhere I look.

I think of my Grampy every time I smell aftershave. Every time I see a tall, skinny old man leaning on a cane and spitting his chew. Every time I walk past men's tennis shoes in Wal-mart or buy a can of peanuts.

My aunt I see in the flowers that dance in the wind....the antiques I love shopping for that I KNOW she'd love.....the daughters and grandbabes she left behind.

This year has been hard for some reason. Almost harder than the first. It's painful to think that it's become normal that they're not here. The fleeting moments of excitement where I think I've seen one of them or heard their voice are all the more a slap in the face when I remember that's not my family's reality. And while some people would say I'm lucky to have lost "only" two people I've loved.......two is enough. MORE than enough. When it comes to death, there is no such thing as "only" two.

People say it gets easier with time, but does it? Does the urge to see them again...to touch them again.....to hear their voice just one more time....does it ever go away?

The only thing that makes it bearable is knowing that someday we will see them again. And that they're together--my aunt and my Grampy, two of Heaven's best angels.

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