Wednesday, January 15, 2014

New Year Resolution

Ahhh.....you knew it was coming, didn't you? The obligatory new year resolution post. Don't worry. I'm not going to talk about dieting like every other human being that starts the new year trying to be healthier. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But this year, I want to focus on my spiritual health.

I've been a Christian my whole life. I used to think I had a boring testimony because I grew up in a Christian household and have almost always gone to church. But the older I get, the more I thank God that that's how I came to know Him.

At church and youth camps, it always sounded so dramatic and climatic when someone has had to go through an addiction or abuse or a tragic childhood and yet, they overcome it and find Christ in the end. For awhile, I thought that's what my salvation had to be to be exciting. Twisted, I know. And while those stories ARE amazing and I'm so glad they end the way they do, I want to start feeling excited about MY story.

While growing up a Christian has benefited me in so many ways, it's also made me complacent. Things that are interesting and exciting to some new Christians (and even dedicated "old" ones) had kind of become a chore. To be completely honest, I couldn't tell you the last time I had a quiet time or devotion. I would start a devotional book or a "read the Bible in a year" plan and do it for a few days and then my dedication and excitement about it would wane and I would gradually forget all about it. I still prayed every day and felt pretty proud of myself when I started and ended my day talking to God.

LAME.

I'm totally calling myself out on this. I have zero legitimate excuses. Don't get me wrong--I still loved God, still believed He could do what He said he could do, still went to church. But I want to WANT to get to know Him better. I don't WANT to be complacent. I don't WANT to want to sleep longer instead of having a daily quiet time. I don't WANT to hurry through my kids' bedtime prayers. I WANT to be excited about my testimony!

So that's my resolution this year. To chase after God the way He chases after me. To have a full blown relationship with Him. There's a song I hear on K-Love all the time that says, "Let them see You through me." I want so badly to do that. My biggest place of ministry is my job and I have to be honest when I say that's where I have the worst attitude. It's so hard to be kind and gracious to patients who are snotty or ungrateful for our time or an hour late with no legitimate excuse or that trash our exam rooms and leave without a word about it. I have a hard time seeing people take advantage of Medicaid and other types of disability or government assistance while I work my butt off for every single thing I have and have to pay out of my pocket for stuff while they slide by paying for no bills but have an iphone, freshly done acrylic nails, North Face jackets, driving nice cars... it's infuriating and feels unfair.

But I've come to a realization that as simple as it is, shook my world.

Jesus loves them anyways. He loves THEM as much as He loves me. It is not my job to worry about why they do the things they do or to get mad at them for it or to judge them because of it. That's God's job. I'm no better than them because I don't do those things. I've been fighting a battle that's already been dealt with. My job is to let them see Him through me.

I've been having a quiet time almost every morning. I read a chapter a day and pray that His word comes alive to me and that He gives me a thirst for knowledge about Him. I've missed a few days and I can tell you that I notice a difference in the way my day goes when I don't start my morning out with Him. My patience runs thinner, I got angry easier and I didn't have a smile on my face. I've been working really hard the last few weeks to show joy. To CHOOSE joy. To seek Him and spend time with Him.

And to let God to the hard work while I trust Him.

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