Friday, February 24, 2012

Grace is enough

I wish SOOOOO bad that I could say the sex of the baby right now, but that's gonna have to hold off until after we tell the whole family at dinner tonight. But the sono we had this morning did open my eyes to a few things that I feel kind of guilty about.

I pray a lot for this baby. I pray almost every night. I pray that it's healthy and growing well. I pray against any deformities, brain issues, cancer, heart problems....I mean, I literally go through the whole body (or as much as I can get to before I fall asleep) and pray over it for this little one. And I thought I was trusting God to answer those prayers. My thought has always been why ask God for it if you're not going to trust that He will provide? I mean, if you needed a favor and you had a best friend but you didn't think they were capable of doing it, would you still ask them to do it and just hope it turned out okay or would you find someone else who you were completely confident would do the job to completion without error? You would find someone else! So if I'm not putting my full trust in God, why even bother asking for his help? So when I pray, I usually walk away feeling good about it and knowing He'll take care of me.

When we were going in for our sono, I was so excited to find out if it was a boy or girl that I hadn't really thought too much yet about the rest of the baby today. Then the tech started going through all of it's parts. And I started freaking out. I work for a pediatric neurologist, so I see a lot of worst-case scenarios. While she was measuring the brain, she measured this little tiny spot towards the back of the head and my first thought was, "Oh my gosh! Is that an encephalocele?" (An encephalocele is when the skull doesn't close completely and the brain tissue starts growing outside of the skull in a sac). But why? Why was THAT my first thought? It's like, as soon as there's one little nagging less-than-ideal moment, it shatters my trust and confidence in God. It makes me sad and mad at myself because at the end of the sono when she said everything looked good, I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding.

It seems like my whole life I've fought against the instinct to wait for the bottom of every situation to fall out. And I hate it! It's really dumb. I want to be a Suzy Sunshine, a glass-is-half-full kind of girl.......I really want to start trying to see the best in things and EXPECTING the best in things instead of just waiting for something to go wrong. So if we're together and I'm being negative, hold me accountable (in a nice way so I don't get offended and rip your head off :)! I was driving from the sono to work and this song came on K-Love and I tuned out the whole song except this one line that says, "His grace is enough." And it SO is. His grace is enough to forgive my doubts. His grace is enough to take perfect care of both of my babies. His grace is enough to help me get through anything that doesn't fit into "my perfect life plan." HE IS ENOUGH!

Don't get me wrong, I DID think about all these things during the sono, but it was a really good experience overall. It was SO awesome to see our little baby moving around. I actually got to feel it kicking while the tech was doing the sono. My OB said my placenta is on the top so it's probably going to be a little while before I feel much movement, so I was really happy to feel those little kicks and turns. And just to see how perfectly like a baby it looks but how very small it really is....it's amazing. Truly. So stay tuned to find out the sex!!! We have dinner with my family and Nick's family tonight to share the news and after that, it's facebook status update time :)

P.S. I proofread this a billion times to make sure I didn't write he or she instead of baby. Wouldn't want anyone catching on early, now would we? ")

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